Monthly Review

Monday November 1, 2004

I am still not being successful about exercising regularly and am feeling somewhat depressed about how difficult this is to do even with Ken’s encouragement. I planned on finishing Faol’s Solar Return chart but haven’t worked on it for almost a month so it is still about 3/4 done.

Basically we spent a lot of time dealing with people, friends, situations about friends. That contrasted with my lack of contact with Tom. Since he continued to work in town we were unable to have our usual hour long daily conversations. We did talk nearly every day but mostly about 10-15 minutes with an occasional longer one. I didn’t like that and have been feeling the lack.

We went on a weekend trip largely to visit Faol’s friends and potential lovers. The trip turned out to be very difficult on us due to the long drive and the clutch burning out on the way home. Arriving home from the trip we found out that Jim Looman had died. Ron came out with Raven and overlapped with my trip by 5 days. Faol had some sadness about his relationship with Magda, which we processed a great deal. I had a difficult email from her and was feeling depressed about the relationship as well. This trip I also had several bad headaches.

On the other hand we got my ring repaired, my hair trimmed after about 9 mos of growth, and took my art to the tattooist who is supposed to be drawing her version of something for me to see in December – however I have written her and didn’t get an answer yet – so have some concern. Faol also bought a computer game mostly to play with me. I have really been enjoying it but I also loved how he put a focus on doing it with me for my pleasure. And he also chose to sleep in the bed with me at Cinnamon’s house when I was ok with him being with her. And I was but it was very sweet that he wanted to be with me when he had the opportunity to sleep in her bed (this was after they were together of course:) While we still have our ups and downs and I have had some very intense downs fueled by hormonal changes, in regards to our relationship there have also been some progress in his behavior towards me. I don’t know if it reflects a difference in how he feels or just that he is realizing more about what I need from him but in any case it has felt very good when it happens and gives me hope for our future together.

Somehow the month seems to me to have been more stressful than not. I haven’t accomplished most of the things that I set out to do nor have I maintained my routines while traveling back and forth. The energy that I had in September for making changes at home seems to have dissipated but we did still get a little more done. And I am still hoping that we will make more progress on it in November before the weather gets too cold. The Grok Fellowship also had a dedication day on October 15th and so is officially a church :)

Previous Month's reading and results.

This month’s tarot reading

Where I am centered this month – in change, realization, and disruption (The Tower)

I would like to believe that this refers to bringing down the Tower of assumptions so that something new can be built. It does often show up when something that seems like a difficult disaster-like thing happens but sometimes that is really very minor of a matter in retrospect.

It has the stroke of enlightenment that can represent a realization, which changes beliefs or attitudes. I may be looking at my beliefs and making changes or some external event may cause me to change a core belief. Mary Greer also suggests that this could represent a drastic self-improvement program – diet, therapy, fasting, etc. Somehow seems very unlikely to me but hey I could imagine that I actually focus on that.

My body – is stressed (9 of Swords)

Swords often appear when there is pain or turbulence. This card shows someone in the night perhaps not able to sleep because of her thoughts or awaking from a nightmare. To me this suggests some kind of health issue, which may turn out to be more of a scare than of serious concern. This is also a card of depression, suffering, and guilt. Or perhaps just sleepless nights.

My emotions – are bright and cheerful (The Sun)

Well this looks amazingly good considering the two cards above. This represents joy or at least intense enjoyment and happiness, optimism, enlightenment, and clarity. On a mundane level this can indicate rekindling relationships or experiencing renewed enthusiasm for something in one’s life.

My spirit – has angst (7 of Swords)

This seems to me to reflect spiritual angst, perhaps grappling with an ethical problem. It suggests some level of deception or avoidance of a problem.

My mind – is withdrawing and seeking a new direction (8 of cups)

Withdrawal or retreat from relationships that are draining or in which dissatisfaction is being experienced. An energy drain or a sense of aimlessness leading to a change in direction. Reevaluating relationships, belief or values and changing priorities.

How the Past affects this month – letting go and moving on (10 of Swords, reversed)

Upright this can mean paralysis so reversed it might suggest being able to move forward. Something needs to be released and let go of. It could suggest a reversal of difficulties as well. Letting go of an obsession. Perhaps it reflects the idea that something that I considered a betrayal in the past is redressed or I am able to let go of it and move on.

Where I am moving towards the future – I am moving towards suffering (3 of Swords)

This card suggests heartache and I have often gotten it when I was feeling very upset, crying, heart break. If this is where I am moving to based on this month then what is the most useful thing I can do with this? How can keeping an awareness of this help me to change my attitude or approach so that I can minimize this? Is there a way that I can choose a different course?

All together these cards seem to suggest the loss of something important in my life, possibly a relationship with the resulting sense of heartbreak, sorrow, physical pain, nightmares, etc. And yet with the Sun in the place of emotion there is also something very freeing about whatever happens and a renewal of life progress suggested, or so I hope. It is also possible that it merely refers to some fight, disagreement, or incident that causes unhappiness in the moment.

Today I woke up with achy sore left shoulder. I either dreamed it or it actually happened that I pushed myself up with that arm to roll over and somehow hurt it. Ibuprofen took the edge off it this morning but I am still having problems with it. It hurts when I reach out, try to pour the water out of the tea pot even. No exercises today.

Faol and I ended up talking like two hours today. I reminded him that he had business to attend to like paying his mortgage. He had forgotten. We have almost all his bills on automatic but when he refinanced his mortgage we didn’t get this one on automatic. I am going to do that when I go back for the next trip though I am thinking about just doing it online from here if I get his loan number from him.

Afterwards I found myself being too tired to do much else so have been mostly doing email all day until now. I also have been getting more depressed. It just seems like activities take a lot out of me now. If this is about getting older I can tell you it sucks. It is hard for me to believe that it is though because I certainly know of older people with seemingly more energy than I have.

Then I am a little bummed out about the complexity of the polls we are using in the Grok Fellowship to determine whether we have reached consensus on an issue. Currently there are 20 polls basically on aspects of one topic. And a few of those have already had to be revised and reworded and sent out again.




     

 Post a Comment

Copyright © 2004 Kyril Oakwind