Kyril's Journal -- January 13, 2005

Catching Up

Thursday January 13, 2005

Hmm I checked the date and realized that I hadn’t been writing here for quite a while and I can’t really remember the things that have happened except for the juice fast, which I will write about shortly. I am still plodding through the Sweetwood Temenos finances. Every time I thought I was going to get done I would discover some other piece of info that was missing, email Jack who would scan it and send it to me, but that would be another day. I am so close to being all caught up though. The bank account is reconciled through December and the credit card is entered through the end of the year but not reconciled because I am missing the Oct. statement and there was interest on it. The membership database is current and I emailed people who were overdue. With luck I can finish reconciling tomorrow and put together the reports for the last two quarters, send it to the BoD members, and I will be done.

Faol and I spent the week after he returned from his vacation in OH talking for nearly three hours a day, catching up. I have been exercising pretty regularly doing a half hour on the exercycle in the morning with a full exercise session in the afternoon, warm-ups, tai chi, arm/wrist exercises including some “weight” lifting using a 1lb can and some girl’s pushups (though that has actually been enough to make my arm muscles sore, sigh…), another session on the exercycle, abdomen exercises, and leg stretches. So far I can’t say that I have seen much improvement although I have been able to go from 4 pushups to 7.

Last Sunday I did a three-day juice fast along with a phone and computer fast. It went well and on Tuesday I wrote the following by hand of course :)

Tuesday – I pass the altar with the Ace of Wands sitting there. It is the background of my day. The question “What inspires me?” floats through my consciousness.

It is the third day of my fast and my mind moves in fanciful realms. I find myself remembering a project that I never started – I wanted to make a small walking labyrinth, perhaps 10 x 10, but never did as my intention was to take it to CAW events and offer it to people for use, and with the problems in CAW and my retirement I never did it. Other thoughts going through my mind were the Madeleine L’Engle book I have just finished with its magic and time travel fixing a “might-have-been” to change the balance of light and dark, and an old “myth” that the Wicca turn the wheel literally with the sabbats. And I think of my need for accomplishment and productivity, how easily I am drawn into the mundane of email, other people’s problems, the dishes and laundry until there is no time left for spirit and dancing the universe into being, so it just goes on built out of stress, and worry, and gremlins, and power, and conflict, and taking from the earth, while all along I was meant to walk/dance the pattern and help to maintain the egregore of balance and harmony and beauty.

In my heart I feel it's true. I am a Priestess (as my avocation), have been, will be. All caught up in flaming (never again the burning times we say then our community allows the flaming in words of our siblings) I retreat bit by bit. This isn’t the first time that I have been routed from a place in community and each time I have retreated to one degree or another. Each time I lose myself who so easily shifts and morphs in so many small ways to be what community asks for and I forget the greater task.

Struggling now out of the fog of grief, mostly of other’s expectations so long ago accepted, and worn like a smothering cloak covering brightness of true self that yet shines through in rays of light, breaking past clouds to illumine small reflections of who I am or was or might be.

What do I find? Right now only the thought that I must walk the pattern brightly and hold to the balance within and without. I will discover myself and know then what else must be my choice.

Back to Thursday – I decided to create a portable labyrinth and use it on a regular basis. We got a tarp and electrical tape. I downloaded the directions for drawing a 7 circuit Cretan labyrinth and will be doing it by the weekend or so I plan.

Today was a little odd. I woke up early had a very good Holosync meditation – got the deepest that I have in a long time, was actually able to slow the chatter down significantly for most of the time. Faol called and wasn’t feeling well at all. It sounded like his back problems might have been triggering some other things like strange sensations in his body. My own energy took a kind of dive while and after we talked. But I managed to do my second set of exercises anyway. The day has just gone by with the usual mundane things taking my attention but I am more aware of it happening.