Kyril's Journal -- February 23, 2005

Triple Fast

Wednesday February 23, 2005

Today is the third day of my triple fast and I feel as if, at least for a few moments, I am coming out of a fog. I have spent large parts of the last two days in a funk about Faol, depressed, sad, hurting, resentful, angry, focused on all the ways, “he done me wrong,” rather than focused on why it happens to me – not being involved with Faol but the descent into obsession where I worry and have conversations detailing all the issues, then fantasies of conversation going south into a breakup and my life being so much better afterwards, a kind of the best revenge is living way better than the other guy thing. It is deep. It is intense and irresistible apparently.

This emotional cycle is unhealthy and is hurting me. Thoughts arise about how it is victim behavior, the thoughts of the powerless that are part of the flashpoint of mobs and riots. And that is a scary thought as I get there through such a rational and analytical process yet end up in a highly emotional and narrowly focused state.

I’d like to tell myself that it is the fasting since I know it makes me more sensitive emotionally but this is a pattern that has been in place from very early in our relationship (and to a lesser degree for a much longer time). Yes he has hurt me – much like a big eager puppy stomping over what ever is there to chase a rabbit, sometimes with full awareness of what he is doing. But I am the only one responsible for my emotional responses.

I spent some of the most miserable three weeks of my adult life (since college) out in L.A. this last trip. How did I let myself get into that state and stay there? I know that I kept forgetting to use the Holosync cd, which also meant I didn’t meditate pretty much the whole three weeks. Maybe that had nothing to do with it, I don’t know, but I am back to using it these last few days so I will be watching to see whether it helps or not.

I really don’t know what to do to break the obsessive cycles though. Turning my mind to other thoughts only works for a few minutes and it is clear to me that sheer will power isn’t enough. So it makes me look at questions like what do I gain from doing it? Intense emotion, loss of awareness of time and space, to justify internally that I’m not being treated the way I deserve… and how is that a gain?

My life seems to be in a phase of loss the last few years – my father died, CAW died, my nest died, aging achey body, my fertility died or is dying in a messy up and down hormonal unpleasantness, and there are what feels like a lot of small losses to me in Faol taking time and attention from me to give to new relationships or even possible ones.

Struggling with finding a sense of purpose, a new direction, I feel empty and useless. Nothing I do really seems to matter very much. That I exist as Tom’s wife, mother to my children, Faol’s lover, a friend to my friends, matters to them but not what I do (okay except for Faol who really does seem to appreciate my taking care of him), or perhaps even who I am.

I have seen myself as a Priestess for a very long time but feel that I have lost my spiritual path a long time ago as well. Everything else I do is just make work. Without a sense of purpose, without direction in my life I might as well be floating alone on a huge ocean while unknown denizens of the deep butt up against my tiny raft, waiting for one of them to dump me, harm me, or kill me. I know that sounds melodramatic but I don’t actually feel that bad right now.

Perhaps Faol has loomed so large in my life, not only because I love him, but because he provides purpose. It is a narrow take-care-of-him purpose but for a time it filled the emptiness. Of course it isn’t really enough for a life purpose, at least for me. And I resent him for that, I think, though it isn’t his fault that he’s not enough for me. So what would be?

Currently I envy those with direction and purpose but I can’t just manufacture it. I’ve tried and eventually it fades and I feel bereft again. So here I am one more time trying to find a path with heart for me.

Thoughts that went through my mind while meditating with Holosync.

Making a rosary/mala of 9 sets of 9. I like the idea of 27 each of white, red, and black beads arrange in 9s with another bead after each set to make keeping track of the sets easier, perhaps gold/silver. I like the numbers – 27 adds to 9, 9 9s is 81, which adds to 9. Then the counting or keeping track beads added to the 81 is 90, which also adds to 9. Of course that is related to the mathematics of multiplying by 9, which is very cool.

During part of my meditation Tom was sitting next to me and we held hands. It was very sweet and loving energy. I thought of Faol and imagined him sitting on his sofa at home but holding my other hand creating a circuit of love and connection. It felt good.

I have also been spending time doing gratitude practice during my meditation time. This is something I had a focus on last year and let slip away. It has cycled back to my attention again so I am doing it again for as long as I remember to this time.

Maybe I need to look at my emotional psychospiritual progress as a kind of spiral that looks more like this two dimensional image with occasional downward cycles that regress below several upward cycles before gaining ground again rather than a spring like spiral. As Tom just pointed out I make the assumption that it continues upward again. I also make use of up and down or forward and backward in a dualistic pairing, which is an oversimplification of myriad processes all in different places and levels yet interconnected to create the vortex of energy whose apparent physical locus is me.

Well having gotten out of the miserable state I was in for the last two days I finally entered the energized, happy state that I usually get the 2nd day of my fast. The sun is out. The wild turkeys, 4 of them, were back under the bird feeder. They are so skittish though. Yesterday we closed a drape in front of the sliding glass door to create a turkey blind. Then s l o w l y I stuck an arm out and opened the door inch… by… inch. When that felt like it was open enough I did the same to the outer storm door. They were wary but stayed around. I got the digital camera ready and stuck it out the door still from behind the drape but had to move the drape to see if it was pointed at them. I did get 2 shots of them as they began to move off and then they were gone.

They kept coming back for several hours though and we replayed something like the above scene trying to get some good pics but were unable to get anymore so those were the only 2 shots without the 2 panes of winter dirty glass in the way. Oh well, it was kind of fun trying :)