Kyril's Journal -- March 1, 2005

Monthly Review

February was a month with both problems and new beginnings. The three weeks that I spent with Faol were some of the most miserable days that I have spent with him both because of his own depression, and because of his behaviors and the way I respond to them. We had several conversations about my unhappiness so we will see what the results are in the months to come.

I tried something new, that of finally going for the tattoo that I had been planning on for several years with the resultant fainting, vomiting, and shock. This definitely was a downer and didn’t help my mood any though Faol was good about taking care of me while it was happening.

On the upside Faol and I did do some exercise together, taking walks around the lake at Echo Park, which I very much enjoyed and I think brought us closer together in some ways. We also did some work in his front yard with landscaping, weeding, getting soil, unloading soil, putting a trellis up, etc. That was a good connecting task as well. I feel very good about the ways in which we are able to work together and wish that we would do more of that.

Reading and working through training exercises is something that I haven’t done for awhile again so I made a new beginning of that. I continued to read R.J. Stewart’s Well of Light and listened to the cd that came with it as preparation for going through the training program at the back of the book. Way of the Wizard by Deepak Chopra is another book I was reading last month, though I have been finding it disappointing.

We did some socializing as a couple, which I enjoyed and would like to have the chance to do that more. We got together with one of his latest interests but it didn’t go well as she stood us up the first try, and was quite late the second try but it was good to make the effort to connect with someone he was seeing. We also got together with another previous CAW member, Mike Greenman; that was nice. And we made it to a Gemini Manor party, the Valentine one where we introduced his latest interest to the whole Manor scene. She seemed to like it and have a good time, which I am glad of. We also visited Dali and Anadora who were going through a rough time. It was nice to reconnect with them.

The month essentially ended on an upbeat note though as my fast went quite well and helped break the depression even with a slight dip for the last two days of the month.

March 1, 2005

Today felt like a busy day, somewhat productive as well. I woke early from a dream in which Faol and I had been at some kind of large building that had exhibits. I don’t remember actually being with him in the dream. The part that I remember was when the place was closing. I went to one of the several exits, which had an enclosed foyer, and realized that the group there wasn’t the group I had been with. I thought they must have gone to one of the other exits that went out to other streets. So I turned around and went back to the doors leading back into the main building and asked if I could go back through to the other exit. A woman led me to an elevator where other stragglers were collecting. We were going to go down to another level and be taken to the exits that way. I got into the elevator but was nervous as I knew that the elevators in my dreams often tilt or turn over. The woman asked how I wanted it and I told her even (stable or level don’t remember). She was going to adjust it but I told her I wanted to wait outside of the elevator because they turn over.

Then I woke up. I was very aware of being separated from Faol and trying to get back to him, which I associated with his comments about being out of contact with me for a day or two while he and Joyful were reconnecting. This is also related to Raven telling him that she wants him to have no contact with his other female relationships for the 5 days of her visit the last week of March. I don’t know whether it will come about or not but I am aware of it. Faol wasn’t happy about it when she told him she wanted this but I told him that he should do it. She is his primary partner and with the amount of time she has been gone from him they seem to have difficulty reconnecting. If that is what it takes for her to feel able to open up to him and be intimate with him then I think he should at least try it and see how it works for them both.