Hard to do Insight
Monday March 14, 2005
I got up determined to work on a variation of my routine that I thought would be beneficial. The alarm went off at 6:30 am and I got up and got moving, breakfast and tea, then got bogged down for about 15 min. checking email. Sigh… But I went on did my Holosync and washed. I was only a few minutes from being ready to go out for an early morning walk when Faol called. If I had not checked email I would have been out on my walk already. So I got sidetracked for almost an hour and a half. We hung up on a down note but on the upside it had taken long enough that Tom was up and could take the walk with me. That was nice.
But I am now quite depressed. I did the seams on my first drape and lining though. The next step is to lay it out, measure 4 in for the header, turn it over and iron it, turn over another 4 in and iron that down. Then I need to insert the stiffener into the header along with the lining fabric and pin it all before sewing that seam.
There really is plenty of time to do the next step on the drape today but I can’t seem to get my self motivated now. At least I got something done today before the depressed state fully settled in. I hate this.
Later Joyful called and we talked for something like 2 1/2 hours. I really got into the venting about Faol thing. Afterward I felt bad about it not so much from the disloyal to Faol aspect but from who I am and want to be. I can’t believe how much I get obsessed and into the negative thinking. I know it is fueled by anger and resentment and mismatch in expectations but this isn’t who I want to be or who I thought I was. I don’t like myself very much like this so I have decided to change it.
I began telling myself every time I caught myself running scenarios or having conversations in my head with or about Faol that it is just fantasy. It isn’t real whether I think it might be the way he would react or not. And indeed when I am upset I tend to make him behave in my fantasy worse than he ever does in real life. So I am stopping myself every time I see it and reminding myself that this hurts me and hurts us, that I don’t want to do it. If Faol and I need to end our relationship at some point then it should be because we can’t make a go of it or we just need different things, not because I have created a negative loop that is self-fulfilling, as it were.
I love him and I have been doing both of us an injustice with this pattern
of thinking. Yes, we do have some real problems. And I believe Faol is willing
to work on them.
Copyright © 2005 Kyril Oakwind