Kyril's Journal -- March 15, 2005

Doing the Work

Tuesday March 15, 2005

Faol called early again. He had said that he would, as he was taking Joyful to the airport early this morning but I thought he might change his mind and let her stay a few extra days as DM had suggested that it would be ok. But Faol had personal reasons for needing some time for the energies to settle in his home so didn’t agree to extend the trip. I talked to him about what I wrote in my journal yesterday and we discussed ways to try and deal with some of the things that bother me. I felt very hopeful about it all during and after our conversation so we will see if we actually implement the ideas and whether they improve our relationship. But for now I am going to continue to work on myself, and my part of the problems.

During my morning meditation and gratitude practice I gave thanks for the opportunity Faol has given me to see this problem and work on it. I have had this tendency of ruminating on problems and unfair or unjust matters in my life to the point that it affects how I feel about the relationship but never to this degree so it is not something that I have worked to change. So because of Faol I am now able to see it and do something about it.

This isn’t the first time I have had the insight that I needed to stop gremlining and I have been working on it now for something like 6 + months. I was successful at making some change for about 4 months then found myself slipping back into a bad bout of it. I hope it is something like two steps forward one step back, which implies progress even if backsliding is part of it. This time though I have seen another part of it and am working to address that and I have shared more of what is going on with me, with Faol. He is willing to try and make some practical changes that may help to address some of the triggers in our relationship when I am visiting him. So in addition to my own working on the negativity he will be helping to try and find ways for me to let him know those behaviors that I am responding to negatively by using methods that don’t make him feel defensive or get us into processing all the time. He has some kinesthetic suggestions for us to begin with.