Kyril's Journal -- April 3, 2005

A Funky Day

Sunday April 3, 2005

They got home about 3:30 am only it was really 4:30 because of daylight savings time. I woke up to go to the bathroom but had not heard them come in so was startled to round the corner and find people in the house. Luckily I was able to go back to sleep right away. I woke up a little funky. I spent the morning trying to update the BelSummer page but the wireless network kept experiencing drop. It took quite a while to finally get it uploaded, then I had to go upstairs to use the server to check to see that it had actually made it up. A link was wrong so I had to come back down to my laptop, fix it, and try to upload it again. I found it very frustrating and it didn’t help my funky mood.

Faol decided I needed some one-on-one time with him so we went upstairs together and Cinnamon went downstairs and spent time reading a new Deborah Anapol manuscript about love. She said it was the second time she was reading it, and it was very good. So I can’t wait till it is actually published and I have a chance to buy it. The time with Faol was good and I started to come out of my funk. However when we came downstairs intending to catch up Cinnamon and go back to bed with her the phone rang. It was a friend who was having a very rough time. It sounds like there is some physical abuse going on and it was pretty upsetting for us being friends with both of the couple. It changed the energy feel entirely, of course.

We got ready to go out to meet a friend of Cinnamon’s who was in town for a conference. Faol is attracted to her and she seems to have some interest in him as well. We met her and went out to dinner. She seems very nice. I didn’t feel any connection though and basically was in neutral the whole evening. For me that is a place where I feel like I am waiting. I am not feeling a whole lot except maybe bored but not necessarily that. But it is a very low energy place to be. If something comes up that I can respond to then I say something but otherwise I am really barely there. I don’t know what it is about exactly. It isn’t exactly shy but I feel like I don’t belong, and I have no connection, nothing really in common except knowing Faol and Cinnamon.

So I felt strongly all night that I don’t belong in Faol’s life. He likes to do the connecting and socializing while I feel that I am just there like a briefcase or something that goes with him. It isn’t anything he is doing or they are doing. It is just me and my lack. I seem to have lost the ability to make an effort to connect with someone or perhaps it is just that I don’t resonate with the people that Faol is connected to. Anyway I am feeling depressed and rather bleak about it all. I completely recognize that were I in a better mood I would feel differently about it all. Faol has been making a real effort to give me attention and find ways to give me his time.