Kyril's Journal -- May 2005

Monthly Review of April

Monthly Review

Faol and I discovered, for me, rediscovered for him, a new favorite eating spot – The Brite Spot. The owner would recognize me and wave, seated us at the counter while others were waiting for places and we were not in the front of the line (unfair I realize but really kind of cool to be recognized and treated special). It gave me an odd sense of belonging that I haven’t had much in L.A.

Faol and I also did a lot of socializing this trip, which was fun but tiring. Cinnamon came for a weekend. We went out to eat with Foamy a couple of times, once was to Juliano’s Raw, amazingly good and interesting raw food. Foamy is a sweet man who is an old friend of Faol’s, who was also involved somewhat with CAW and with Adam Walks Between the World, bard and amazing entertainer. It was very nice to meet Foamy and spend time talking with him. We also went bowling while out with Foamy. That was a lot of fun for me. While I didn’t do that well I did much better than I expected considering my tendonitis and lack of hand strength. Faol and I also went out to eat a couple of times with Cheryl who turned out to be a lovely woman. We seemed to make a good connection.

I also had a little socializing without Faol, which also made me feel a little more at home in L.A. than previously. Korina and I went to a day spa one day and out to dinner another day. I had a very good time with her. It was rather expensive for me though. Really I should have asked Faol for the money to cover it since he has been supporting me while I was out there and Tom supports me when I am home but I felt uncomfortable about doing it, like I didn’t have the right to ask because of his concern about money. His choosing to spend his money by dating or taking us out to dinner is one thing but my asking him to pay for my going out without him seemed like too much. (I just stopped to email him about this now that it crystallized for me as I would rather have it clear between us as to what he feels is appropriate for me to expect from him in the way of monetary support when I am with him.)

And we also went to a group event at COPAD, a church group around positive sexuality and kink that reminds me of groups forming in the 70’s somewhat. It is kind of New Age, kind of paganish, with a diverse membership religiously speaking. We did a daisy chain back massage, which was very sweetly intimate and connecting. Then in relationship to the kink someone brought a violet wand and various members undressed and lay down in the middle of the group with their butt on the metal plate. Then electricity was put through them and when the rest of us touched their skin it felt like tiny vibrations. For the most part it supposedly felt like a massage to the person in the center except that by moving ones fingers just right you could get an arc between your finger and their skin. It was quite interesting though I was not interested in being the one in the middle with the more intense electricity.

In some ways Faol and I stepped back from the brink of our relationship difficulties and he really tried to make changes that would make me feel better. But I still spent a lot of time being upset and the month was up and down emotionally. We didn’t have as much sex as we usually do and he went on a couple of dates with his latest interest. But I was the one that worked out when would be okay with me rather than his just telling me he was doing it and he was willing to wait until I left, mostly. I just didn’t think that was fair to the person he was developing a relationship with to tell her that he couldn’t go out with her until I left, especially with this trip being a month long.

I tried the diet pills that Faol has been taking for the month that I was there and lost about three lbs total. These pills are not your typical speed like ones. One is actually conjugated linoleic acid from sunflower seeds and helps metabolize fat. The other is Corti-slim and is largely herbs that have various affects but one of which is supposedly that it helps metabolize cortisol. Cortisol is the stress hormone. One needs some of it but not too much of it and it is implicated in storing fat as a response to too much of it. I can’t say that these pills had a big effect. Faol lost about 12 lbs without changing his diet much. And I lost the three lbs instead of gaining three lbs which is what I usually do with all the eating out we do. They don’t seem to have much potential for harm from what I read on the internet and may help support weight loss when one is exercising and reducing calorie intake.

One of the things that I didn’t like is that I didn’t maintain the Holosync while I was out there again. I have been having trouble keeping it up though it does seem like my energy levels and mood pick up within a week of doing it regularly again. And I exercised irregularly as well. I managed to keep up about three days a week but it tended to be three days in a row then not for 4 days, not a very optimal schedule.

So April went by and sounds much better in retrospect than it did at the time. I think that is related to my sitting in neutral emotionally most of the time. So if it wasn’t bad enough to upset me then I am not feeling anything much. I do see that I have developed this kind of almost always listening mode where I am being the receiver of other people’s sharings and responding to them. They end up feeling very connected to me because they have shared but it really isn’t two way because I do very little sharing with them. And it is pretty clear that most people are completely happy with that. Part of this is my own reserve as I need to feel in a pretty safe place with someone before I want to be intimate with them and part of it is just that I have a sense that most people are really not all that interested in anything that I have to say when it isn’t about them. This is communicated to me through interrupting me to inject their own stories and taking the conversation off on a tangent. Or sometimes people listen but are not very responsive then when they get the conversational floor back they go off on their life story again. I have always considered myself a good audience but I really am not feeling connected. It used to be ok I guess but leaves me feeling a lot more empty now. Maybe I just used to have more filling me up then I am experiencing right now. Well at least I don’t have any real tragedies either.