Sad, But Working
Tuesday May 24, 2005
Today was strange emotionally. After my Holosync meditation I basically felt like all I wanted to do was sleep but I knew I had to get out and mow the last two paths of the Dearinth. Faol called and we talked for over 2 hours. I got dressed and did dishes then began working on a raw foods beta berger recipe while we talked. When the call was done I was feeling very sad and ended up talking with Tom about it. It wasn’t anything that Faol had done or what he said exactly it was more about my feeling like we are not going to be able to pull off a community living situation together. And my unhappiness with myself. I don’t seem able to do the things in my life that I think I want to do. I say I think I want to do because I do believe that actions tell us what people really want to do more than words do. It is easy to say and even to believe that one wants to do or be a certain way but if energy and effort are not focused in those areas then it seems like a reasonable conclusion to come to that one really doesn’t want whatever it is all that much.
Faol called back shortly for help with setting up the network printer to work through his laptop and we spoke a little about my feelings. He assured me that he still wants the community situation but doesn’t yet know how we can bring it about. He still has his work situation in L.A. and a primary partner that really isn’t interested in the community living situation. He apologized for not being able to give me a more solid future to look forward to but he just doesn’t know yet how things will be after he is retired in a few years. I did feel a little better after we talked about it.
Then Tom and I went out and measured the last two paths, which I then mowed. So all the paths have been mowed and the body of the God is mowed, the body of the Goddess is mostly done with a few finishing touches left. One path was apparently only mowed in one direction though as it is already looking like it is overgrown again. So I will do that one again. I have been mowing the paths in one direction then going back in the opposite direction to catch all the weeds and grass that just laid flat and missed getting cut. So one more path and the finishing touches and the Dearinth will be as finished as it is going to get.
Tomorrow if it isn’t raining in the morning though we need to check out the poison ivy around the cauldron and eliminate it then Tom can take the trail mower out with the tractor and do the trails and the camping areas in and around the orchard. I also have to go into Madison and buy the beads for the main ritual, and some other odds and ends.
After that I can relax for a few days I think.
Copyright © 2005 Kyril Oakwind