Kyril's Journal -- July 13, 2005

Vision Quest: Day 3

Wednesday July 13, 2005

I dreamed that I looked out and saw two puppies. The mother was a collie/coyote. The mother was giving birth. She dropped the baby but ran to collect the other 2 because she was afraid for them, before going and licking it off (rather fawn like). She took them back to a very settled looking encampment near by.

Next fragment – I looked over a huge log, maybe, and saw in a flash of light many animals in silhouette – an elk whose great rack would have no trouble going through the tent, I thought, and elephant, and others running my way. I ducked down by the log. They leapt over and were gone. Then something huge sniffed, the top of my head. I thought it an ape. It continued on. Later a fat black man came up and spoke with me then went on.

Next fragment – I was at some kind of event, my purse had been hanging on a hook next to me but it was gone. I was concerned and thinking it had been stolen. I thought that’s focusing on what I don’t want and I have to add it to the count (from the homework) I also talked with someone about having to replace all my ID cards, and that I have a lot of them.

Next fragment – Something about being up bright and early. It was an urban location but I don’t know where or why. I was walking along and a misty wall, possibly green, appeared before me. It popped into solidity after walked under it. I said cool. It was somehow part of a football game or practice happening.

I had two folders in my arms and went to cross the street, which involved waiting for one truck and darting in front of another that was turning off. But when I got to the other side I only had one folder. I looked back to see a man crossing the street. He bends down and picks up a folder and brings it to me. It is still filled with all its many papers.

Then Tom has come and picked me up in the car. As we drive we pass a stonewall on the passenger side. There is a niche with papers and a bag, I want to say red, but I don’t really remember. The papers are fluttering in the breeze and I think a student left them and will be wondering where they are. We pulled up to a roadside stand, where we can reach from the driver’s side like a drive thru. There are baskets of big luscious plums and we each pick one out. As we are driving away and the is half eaten fruit, I think I didn’t see Tom pay, and decide he must have put money in a cup. We are driving over a bridge and I see below on his side, a house with water pouring off the roof, apparently on all sides, like a waterfall, shining and reflecting light. Look I say, pointing to his. How pretty. He slows slightly to look and I feel I shouldn’t have disrupted his driving but he likes what he sees. We continue over the bridge and the sky is red like a sunrise.

I went into the house feeling the high energy I usually get after a few days. Tom was already up and after washing and doing my rehabilitative exercises we made love. It was good. Now I am back in my tent and tired.

Tom’s response to my idea of getting a large pop up tent so that I could camp out for my regular 3 day fasts was that he was willing to continue to help me set up our tent for them. I understand his lack of enthusiasm for spending money on it. If it was just the opportunity to be alone and focused on my spiritual path and psychological health then he suggested the room in the barn, which is currently used for storage. He was being funny but thinking about it if we split the room in half and put a loft bed in the front half with the wood stove, and did a little decorating we could have a room that I could use as an office (if I ever do have face-to-face clients for astrology, spiritual advising/coaching, etc. instead of mostly by phone as I do now), and a place to retreat to for fasting. I wouldn’t be surprised if it ends up costing more than a tent but it would be useable in the winter as well. I am really liking this idea.

Lesson 3 of the Life Principles course was on values. It described a values exercise for determining the top 10 values. Actually the method would work to create a hierarchy for as many values as you wanted to include but as part of the check to see that you have been honest with yourself is too look and see if you really spend most of your time on the top 10 items. Does it really sound like you? By the time you get much past 10 there isn’t really time to spend on them the lesson mentioned. I began my list of values with the question asked in the lesson: What is so important about life? I wrote about 13 things then set it aside. Others have continued to come to mind and tomorrow I will do the next step of putting them in order from most to least important.

Later Tom and I got into a disagreement when I talked to him about making two rooms out of the one combined storage and workshop. He was not receptive to it at first but eventually suggested that we go take a look and measure it. It turns out that the ceiling is not high enough for a real loft bed but we could still put it 2 ½ -- 3 ft up creating a space for a small dresser and a space to hang shirts and pants (possibly since that would only use the front accessible space that would also leave a space for 6+ boxes behind them). This would make it useful for short-term visitors.

But Tom doesn’t want to build a wall to separate it or anything permanent because of the effort and expense, and his belief that I won’t actually do anything with it after the initial interest wears off. Basically he thinks I won’t finish or complete most of what I start, and he certainly has a point. I have started far more than I have completed: half books, stories, drawings, sewing projects, filing and organizing projects, etc. etc. But he doesn’t remember most of what I have completed. I guess that is an example of deletion and generalization, two of the filters we use to handle incoming information so that our world matches what we believe whether it really does or not.

He tells me that he tries not to show that he expects I won’t follow through on any particular project but I can tell from his attitude and what he says or doesn’t say anyway. He has a right to believe whatever he needs to but it makes it harder for me to accomplish what I am trying to do when I have to deal with that too.

My morning meditation session went well. I felt very good during the last half hour and reluctant to end it but an hour and a half was really enough and I had other things I wanted to do.

The writing exercise went well. We were supposed to try a different genre than our usual. Then the first word of the first sentence had to start with a randomly chosen word from their word list. The word I ended up with was baptism. Later when I read it to Tom he said it sounded like it would make a good Twilight Zone episode, and I should try and sell it somewhere. It is only 800+ words though. I don’t know where I could even try. He thought there was only one awkward place and otherwise it didn’t need rewriting/editing. I don’t agree but it was flattering to hear anyway, especially as he is normally pretty critical.

We topped off the day with a soak in the hot tub after enjoying my nightly fire.