Kyril's Journal -- July 14, 2005

Vision Quest: Day 4

Thursday July 14th, 2005

I am definitely feeling dragged out today. It was harder to do my morning exercises with 20 minutes on the exercycle. It is important to me to try and keep up some level of them so I don’t have to start again. That happens too often as it is and it is very frustrating.

Not sleeping well last night did have the advantage of producing many dreams (or at least helping me to catch them), which although fragmentary now are still large fragments.

Dreams: Lee Oakfirecame over to get her food (she had left it maybe?). There was a large container for her and a small bowl for Heronheart. I think I was standing at a stove.

Then we were doing a ritual with Tom, Lebleu, and sereneshaman also in attendance. It was outdoors in an enclosed yard or garden. There was a hedge to one side with a sidewalk or garden path in front of it. Lebleu and sereneshaman were standing on that side. Lee Oakfire was to their left and Tom and I were to their right but opposite Lee. There was a child between Lee and either Tom or I. We were arranged more in a square than a circle. Apparently I started the ritual but Lee Oakfire took over and had us laying out an antique lace tablecloth that was plastic. All but Lebleu and sereneshaman were petting and smoothing it to straighten it out. sereneshaman was impatient and irritated with it. She said they should go and started to walk down the sidewalk away from us. Lebleu replied that he wanted to hear his mother’s ritual/circle. sereneshaman came back but wasn’t happy about it.

Another dream: This was a long complicated dream involving someone going back to the past or the present from the future. I only remember isolated scenes from it but not how or why they were connected.

I was trying to get through snow. A man reached out a hand to help me get past a moving stream of snow. Once in it I kicked and swam in what would be very fluffy snow or very dense not very wet water. He pulled and I got through it.

There was a scene of us in a tent-like dwelling. Meat was being cooked and served. It was dog. But he said that there was no meat on the cut up parts that were being served because it had not been basted. Without basting, it was all fat. I thought we could eat it anyway and the fat would still give us energy/calories.

Another scene was in a small store. I was behind the counter with two other women. He was getting something and the woman at the cash register asked his name. He said it was Johnny Appleseed. (This triggered a thought that his coming back and saying it is what caused people to use that name for the actual Johnny Appleseed.)

Another scene had me crying because he had to go back and we had formed a relationship.

I had a somewhat lengthier dream with flying. I like flying dreams and don’t seem to do that in my dreams as much as I used to, particularly as a child. Maybe I just don’t have that sense of freedom one often has as a child. Of course back then I didn’t realize that was what the feeling was:)

It started out with my knowing that a man had been arrested for hurting a woman. He had been arrested. Although he claimed he didn’t do it he was chained but escaped. I saw an image of him with chains and an x shaped section of wood against his hands as if the floor had broken and come with him where he was attached to it when he escaped.

A man in a car asked me to get in. I did then realized who he was and got out again. He was attracted to me and pursued. I tried to get away although I wasn’t afraid of him, just not interested. I seemed to accept that he didn’t do it.

At one point I was trying to get away and flew by flapping my arms and hands as if they were wings. I could feel the pressure of the air against my hands getting stronger as if the air compressed as I pumped until I pushed against it and lifted into the sky. I flew through a break in the trees and landed in a group of people doing TaiChi or Martial Arts, or something like that. They were impressed by my being able to fly (makes me think of Zen Buddhist meditators sitting lotus and hopping, and the claims that they can levitate).

He came after me and flew too. I flew away again. I don’t remember all of the pursuit scenes but I think there were more. (For some reason this is making me think of a song about a blacksmith and a woman, and how he pursued her and they kept changing into various things, though I don’t recall us changing form at all in the dream).

Then he was sitting at a table at a restaurant. Somewhat near him was a woman who was my analog. She was supposed to be me in the dream somehow but I still had my own point of view and was there as well. I stood next to the table where there were other people, maybe eating, can’t remember. A man seated to my right dropped something and bent over to pick it up. He came up with his head under my skirt. I didn’t like it and pulled my skirt off his head and down again. Then I went over to the man who had been pursuing me and sat down on his lap for protection. He was surprised but through his attempts to court and pursue me I had come to care about him.

He talked about buying a carnivore. I knew it was a carnival. He talked about how much it would cost to get the different pieces/acts as a livelihood for us. He said the horses/animals would be 300,000 dollars. Then he asked my analog how she would pay for it. I answered, “Frankly, I would write a check.” He said it is over a million dollars. I shrugged and said I had that and a little more. (I wish that were a fact on this plane of reality.)

Last dream of the morning: I was walking down a lane when a man rode by on a horse. It was Tom. At first I thought he was exercising it but he sped up until he was riding very fast. Too fast I thought. Two other riders joined him and they were racing on a track.

I was worried about what he had been up to while I was gone so went to his office to look around. Finding a book about 5x8 with tabs I opened it. There was a section labeled unlikely schemes we had tried. It was a list of monies spent for various projects, my astrology, etc. but also things listed as Tom’s projects.

Another category was chats, which turned out to be a sideline for him. Listed were all the calls helping people with their computer problems and the various, usually small amounts he had received.

Then I drove to the apartment building we owned. I pulled up across the street from it and a car with three black people pulled up next to me, stopped, and stared. The woman was lightly furred, like a plush stuffed animal and the fur was dyed a reddish brown. They went on to the apartments and got out expressing their unhappiness/anger over a white person being in their neighborhood. I drove into the driveway and left my car there but to the side so there was room for people to get in and out. Another black man came towards me form the apartments. He was flashy looking like a TV pimp or “Big Daddy”. I stuck my hand out to shake hands and introduced myself as Tom’s wife, assuming he knew Tom as the owner of the building. The shake was kind of limp. He said something about what about all the women Tom had when I wasn’t there. I said no problem. He can have all the women he wants when I am not there. When I am here it is time for them to leave. He said something about my attitude being good, or interesting, or different – can’t remember.

I went on and saw AJ (from detective TV show) and Sam in line for the public rest room. A few moments later they came out and greeted me asking what I was going there so I told them we owned the apartments. This elicited an attitude of thinking I could do something for them because I must have money. I indicated that we reserved that for people who had helped us, done work for us. Then I aid but you have, you have. I hugged them both then turned as a group of people arrived.

It was Tom in a midst of important men. He had a wire on, a mic or something. I ran over and kissed him, jumping up to put my legs around his waist, resting on his hips. We kiss. I wake up.

Boy am I tired after writing all this and I haven’t even meditated yet.

It’s late afternoon now and it’s been a rough day in some ways. I haven’t accomplished as much as I hoped. Instead of my hour and a half meditation I stopped after an hour. Sweat was running down my back. I was too uncomfortable to continue. I went in the house to sit by the fan. The outdoor thermometer said it was only 80 couple of degrees. After I cooled off I took another gal of fertilized water to a fw asparagus plants, watered the plants on the ramp entryway, and took a thermometer to the tent. I dumpted the compost which was filled with happily blooming mold then checked the tent temperature. It was 100 degrees with 50 % humidity.

I felt better after a cool shower and was able to go back and sit out in the shade, only 98 degrees, but with a nice breeze, and do today’s writing exercise. I was still dragged out so went back to the house for iced tea, not juice, but has no calories.

Tom brought the outside thermometer indoors and compared it to the thermostat thermometer. Once it settled down it turned out to be about 15 degees low. Now I am too tired to do much of anything and am trying to swish the flies when they become too bothersome drinking my seat. Not likeing that but can’t really stop it. Right now I am down as I feel like I wasted the day. I really have to let it be okay, jut go with the flow, stop doing today and just be.