Kyril's Journal -- August 9, 2005

Faol/Kyril Saga Continues

Tuesday August 9, 2005

The next installment in the Faol and Kyril saga is that when we went up to bed after he got home from work he started pushing for when he could get together with Tracy. He had told me that if I didn’t want it to happen until after I left that was ok it could wait, then pressured me to name a time when he could see her soon. Finally I told him that the day Joyful is arriving would work out well for me as then I wouldn’t see him in the morning with his lunch date, all day while he was working, and I would be in bed when he got back from picking up Joyful at the airport after work, so I would have a whole long time without him. Yeah, I know, not the best thing to have said and he was really really pissed. So he quietly got up, walked to the bedroom door, and said in a very quiet voice that he was going downstairs to be on the computer for a while and would probably be up later. Just then he heard a noise and thought it might be my cell phone. It turned out to be my travel alarm in my suitcase, which must have been going off, I guess, every night that late and we never heard it. So I got up and found it and shut it off. In the meantime the break allowed him to move past some of his anger and he sat down and asked me to come to him and hugged me. We started talking again more reasonably and I got to tell him that I think part of it is just that I give him the attention and focus of a primary partner and get hurt because that really isn’t where he is with me. I know that he loves me and needs me and that I am important to him but it isn’t the same way. So when he meets some new interest and is highly focused on courting her I get hurt by the way he does it more than the fact that he does it. And he asked me what he can do with his anger because he is sure that expressing it through yelling, throwing things (not at me), hitting the wall, etc. would be very freaky for me. It was late again when I went back to bed. He did stay up for a bit and then came to bed.

We were tired and unfocused this morning. He spoke to Joyful while I got us tea and then we went back to bed. I got up and he slept longer so I called Tom and we talked about some of the problems until Faol got up. Then we talked about Tom’s saga of trying to replace the ceiling fan. But Faol and I had another problem just before he went to work and I felt unable to discuss it with him because there were just a few minutes and he would have been late for work again, or miss it altogether trying to deal with me. I ended up writing him an email, very upset. Much later after talking to Joyful, who listened and was quite helpful, I sent him another one and tried to put things in terms of setting aside the pain and difficulty of the past and moving towards solutions for our future together. It was all very inspirational I think. I would like to believe that we can change our focus and if not let go of the problems, try to change our perspective towards both of us trying to get what we want in more win/win solutions. I don’t know if that is possible. He called from work to check in on me and knew that I had been having another problem though not exactly what it was so I told him I emailed him then emailed him again so I needed him to read both of them before reacting to the first if he could. He isn’t home yet so I don’t know what will come of it all.

The Sweetwood BoD meeting went well I think and was under two hours, which is always good. We really did cover quite a bit, even set the date for next years Freedom Fest. I believe the minutes are already up on the group website for members.