Kyril's Journal -- September 16, 2005

Low Energy

Friday September 16, 2005

I feel very unmotivated today, not exhausted, not depressed, but low energy. I have mostly spent the day online reading journals. I made an LJ post today, which I will not duplicate here as most of the people that I know read my journals are on LJ too. I found that I had been friended by a few people and had not noticed it yet so I friended them in return.

Today I have been noticing that I have been feeling a peculiar kind of isolation out here in the cocooned rural life we live. It seems like I don’t have the energy for a lot of going about yet I am missing it. I am longing for a dedicated ritual group of people that resonate with me in a way that allows me the freedom to relax and be who I am. I haven’t had that in a very long time. In some ways I am not sure that I ever have had it though I have touched the fringes of it from time to time. Most of the time there has been the element of trying to be what other people want or need, staying reserved because we wouldn’t have gotten along well if I didn’t do that, and feeling a sense of separateness. I think it is something that I may be stuck with though. My Saturn square Sun aspect speaks to that sense of loneliness even in the midst of friends. And Saturn can be a very hard taskmaster. My moon is bracketed by Neptune and Saturn very widely conjunct both, though as Saturn is out of sign one might conclude it would have less effect, nonetheless I see the need and urge to merge and the reserved hermit in my emotional responses. Neptune’s idealism and optimism one moment and a very Saturnian hard-edged realism tinged with pessimism the very next, and even sometimes simultaneously.

If I can get the cactus transplanted and if Tom and I go out and take a look at the storeroom to determine what more needs to be done before we can work on it I will feel that I have accomplished something at least.

Well, I didn’t get the cactus planted but we did check out the storeroom then take the “keep it” boxes back out. We also picked up the horse manure in the circle and put it in the compost pile.