Kyril's Journal -- November 4, 2005

Obsession

Friday, November 4, 2005

I stand staring for long moments at a time. I wander off to do something but am drawn back to stare again. I go do dishes and come back. I pick up a book intending to read but on the way back to the sofa I find myself staring again, gazing entranced, obsessively, because the jigsaw puzzle is not yet done. I look for a piece with a dark line just at the bottom of the knob that fits in the open u of the next piece. Or I look for just that color of reddish pink and I wander back to the table that holds the rest of the unused pieces. There is a piece in my hand that is close but not right so that I can more easily hold the image in my mind and sometimes I return with the right piece. Sometimes I return with three possibilities and none of them fits. The space around the finished parts are filling up with the ones that haven’t fit yet, making it harder to fit others together. I am vaguely unsatisfied, filled with restless energy but no motivation for anything but puzzle pieces. But I haven’t started to dream them yet.

Otherwise I am avoiding all the things I should be doing or at least many of them. I am managing to exercise every other day, to meditate, and to do the dishes though I did miss a day so tried to catch up with a larger load today but couldn’t manage it. The drainer got full and any more dishes would have been at risk. The dish drainer is the constraint for doing the dishes. When it is full to overflowing the day’s dishes are done. Yes, I could dry them and put them away and do more but I don’t want to and it doesn’t matter. There will be more to do tomorrow anyway.

I am supposed to be doing the SweetWood Temenos financial report for the BoD meeting. It was postponed so I postponed doing it but now I only have 3 days to get it done before the meeting and one of those days will be taken up with getting ready for ritual and having a ritual, and half a day is for shopping for food leaving me a very narrow window for achieving the goal. I feel vaguely guilty but not enough to motivate me to do it. It has been an ongoing problem for me in that I continue to put off doing it until it is late. Not sure why.