Kyril's Journal -- December 22, 2005

Labyrinthine Journey

Thursday December 22, 2005

I am not who I was when I went in to the labyrinth. At the time I didn’t even know that I was entering it. The entrance was the delight, the temptation, the enticement, the excitement of limerance, that liminal space between, the place where one leaves the known and everyday for the dreams of pleasures yet unknown. And so unknowingly I stepped through the gate, the price given without thought and still not fully seen. Am I still there in the midst of paths leading towards the unseen center, then turning away again leaving only an intimation as to what that place might be or have I made it through the paths and this malaise is the result, suggesting a failure to learn what I must have needed to learn? It can’t be true that I have completed what I began with so little understanding as I have lost myself and not yet found who I am becoming. Surely a rebirth of some kind follows the journey to the heart and back.

Was I always so self-indulgent, so lazy, with lack of focus and motivation for forward movement? I find that hard to believe when looking back at remembered or newly reconstructed dreams of past Priestess self. If not a Priestess, as now retired, then who or what? No dreams or goals inspire the walk, aimless meandering, repeating motifs that clearly don’t serve to encourage growth, or at least life’s simple joy. Is this the “slough of despondency” mentioned in fictional tale of life journey? If so what is the key to getting through? What is at the heart’s knowing that would finally bring me through to a place of rest, surcease of confusion, a place of being perhaps, not doing that yet carries me forward along the labyrinthine path?

Unlike the girl who banishes the Goblin King’s power over her in the center of the Labyrinth I happily accepted it and basked in the pleasures of that dark place, gave up the power over and over with only small voices to whisper, “we are larger than this.” Part of me can be happy there but what of the rest, what of the parts that know I am bigger, more powerful in my godself who long to find release? Is the only way to turn one’s back on the Goblin King or take back from him what makes him large and me small? Or is there another path, one that encompasses those joys yet makes them just one part of the garden path, allowing power and beauty of my own as a backdrop for the journey? I have to believe that there is a middle way, a third alternative, not either or, that rises to a new level when found, a new integration that begins the journey anew.