Well I learned something about myself last night. I may live in the woods but it is in a nice, safe house and I seem to belong to the civilized folk. I was really afraid! I actually shivered, all my muscles went tight, and I could barely breathe. At first it wasn't too bad. Then something came by the tent area making odd little noises, a kind of snuffling, moaning, little-bear noise. I thought it might be a raccoon. But it scared me. What if tried to get in the tent? I did have my food there and a raccoon can be dangerous.
But I think the real fear was that I felt I wouldn't be able to protect myself. If something happened I wouldn't know how to defend myself. I'm used to knowing that I can call out and someone will help me. There is always a back up system.
Of course this isn't the first time I thought about not having a back up. A couple of years ago I slid backwards in my car down the S-curved hill at the end of our driveway and got stuck in the snow. I got out to walk to the house nearly ½ a mile away, slid on the ice, and cracked my tailbone. Goddess, that hurt! Then I lay there on the cold driveway and bawled my eyes out. I indulged in an emotional outpouring that I would never do in front of someone. Is that truer to who I am? Or am I more the person shaped by my interactions with others? In any case I lay there cold and in pain at 6 am thinking that no one would hear me if I screamed. No one would be going by (which is usually a good thing). Tom wouldn't look for me since he would think I was at work, and he wouldn't be up for several hours. Such self-pity for such a small thing! Eventually I got up and walked home. It took me 3-4 times as long to do it as it would have normally but I managed.
Last night there was nothing concrete to respond to - just the dark, being alone, and the unknown terrors. So why isn't it unknown pleasures? Unknown gifts? Unknown delights? I suppose it is a survival thing along the lines of -- what our ancestors didn't know just might kill them. I know I certainly had an adrenalin overload.
I started taking deep breaths and counting "one, one, one," with each breath, like a mantra (not having a good mantra spring to mind right then.) I began to drift, odd bits of flotsam floating through my mind. I would suddenly return to waking consciousness, startled and frightened all over again. I had to use the porta-john but was too afraid to go out of the tent as I might run into whatever animal had been around earlier. And it was quite cold out of the sleeping bag. Finally I really fell fully asleep.
I dreamt that I woke up and there was water flowing under my tent, which had moved the tent several feet forward. Jack and some others were helping me. I dreamed this twice with a brief conscious period in between. Then I dreamed that I was awake in the tent and something burrowed through both the tent and the air mattress (although the air mattress was not deflated.) It was a small varmint of some kind with needle-like teeth and spines sticking out on its back. It gnawed at my side causing me pain. I grabbed it, holding its mouth wide open with both hands. I felt the points of the teeth very clearly and the bristly spines that poked my hands. More came to gnaw at me. I thought, "this can't be real. It must be a dream." I remembered that I should try and talk with them, find out what they wanted, but I woke up with a moan. It was 2 am and I had been asleep about an hour.
I reluctantly got up to go to the bathroom as I thought the pain from my dream might be the pressure of an overly full bladder. My air mattress had leaked or contracted from the air getting colder. I wasn't sure which but I used the battery-operated pump to put more air in (We just got it for this trip and it is so nice not to have to manually pump it.) I was warmer for a while.
I find myself wishing I would be alone tonight too so I could try to work with it, face it, deal with it, go beyond it. There's a wonderful quote on fear as the little death, from Dune by Frank Herbert.
Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear -- "I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
Late Afternoon
It turns out that I will be alone tonight as I am the only SweetWood member that is coming for the early camping period. That's too bad as it would have been nice to have time for getting to know them and grow closer. Jack and Kim decided to take that unexpectedly open time to do things that they really needed to get done. Kim stopped by to fill the tiki torches with oil and set them up on the path, dig out some poison ivy near the camp sites (thank you!), and bring extra TP for the porta-johns. They will stop back in this evening to visit though.
I've had a peaceful, relaxing, quiet day. This morning I worked on several of the exercises from the Grok healing focus group - aura awareness, working with hand charkas, a Sahaja Yoga exercise - brushing energy upwards through the chakras, and energizing them with the three energies of white light/sky, earth, and prana or breath energy. It was very interesting. I plan on doing them again tomorrow.
Then this afternoon I spent time thinking about my feelings about becoming CAW clergy. I'm a 6th-circle Scion, which is the last circle of the second ring (we're a 3 ring circus:) The next step would be the first circle of the clergy ring. I have a clergy advisor who, as I understand it, helps by pointing out the necessary steps, keeps the rest of the clergy informed, may do some training, and generally sponsors the postulant. Unfortunately all the clergy seem to be overloaded with work and personal matters. This makes it more difficult to train for clergy. To me, the personal mentor aspect is very important and I believe it should be a major part of the process.
School has taken up so much of my time and created a lot of stress. But for various personal reasons 6 weeks after summer break I am experiencing nearly as much stress as I was during the semester. Clearly something has to give. But what?
NeoPaganism/Wicca has been a defining part of my life for 28 years. I've facilitated rituals and worked with training groups for 19 years. This isn't a part of my life that I want to give up. But in the last few years I have begun to doubt myself, my path, what I want. I wonder more about whether it is realistic - to be clergy one must have a constituency. Who would that be? CAW members? There aren't that many in this area. And there are already 3 CAW clergy in the southern part of WI to serve a handful of local members. Then there's the less practically oriented but more important areas of consideration. Do I even have a vision that meshes with the CAW vision? How does my magick fit?
I'm sitting here at SweetWood under an incredibly blue sky, big fat white fluffy clouds filling the horizon. The hay field is a luscious green, richly colored in the bright sunlight. A mild breeze makes the day a touch too cool for quiet activities. It would be a perfect day for working outdoors or playing more vigorously. SweetWood has a great Pine forest. The pines were planted to provide timber, I imagine, but now in Pagan hands it is a peaceful forest. The campsites are taking shape under the hard work of Jack and Kim, the land owners. SweetWood, a membership Pagan campground is Jack's clergy project and a subordinate organization of CAW. Eventually, when there are enough paid memberships to pay for it, there will be a well for running water, shower house with toilets instead of porta-johns, perhaps even a permanent shelter which will allow winter retreats and events. Jack knows what he wants to do as clergy. He knows what his dream is and is slowly manifesting it. And what a grand dream it is!
What is my dream? And can it find a home within CAW as a part of my work as clergy?
Copyright © 2000 Kyril Oakwind