Last night after I came in from doing magick and while still in the bliss and glow, my love called. That is 4 times in a row. He said he was getting addicted to talking with me and I could only think and feel "good", because that way we both are. It was wonderful to talk with him in that state of afterglow. It feels so right to connect with him at such a time. I won't go on and on about how I feel about him, here. Any readers are probably already bored by it but, of course, not me:)
I sit here and find myself smiling at nothing, at everything. I am happy.
We talked about Herne and other Gods, last night. It had been awhile since I last looked up Herne on the internet so this morning I have happily wandered through web pages about Herne and Cern, to Pashupati, a Hindu God that appears to be related. I have an attraction to the overlapping Herne/Cern aspects. I recognize the death aspects but there is something very sexual about it all as well, the surrender to a force greater than oneself with the promise of great change, of self-discovery, of deep connection and desire. The Underworld Gods have that quality about them as well as the fear that can arise from the unknown. I have strong attraction to the merging surrender and in many cases some approach/avoidance around those who trigger it in me. And it is not often that I find someone who triggers this. In some ways I think I do equate it with being taken by the God. There is an element of moving beyond thought, beyond control, something that feels fated, or inevitable about those who trigger that level of desire. I can see elements of the abduction of Persephone in the feelings.
I searched the web for Herne and ended up looking for Aine, Celtic Sun Goddess associated with Summer Solstice, seen as a Goddess of Love and the Queen of the Faeries. A couple of years ago I was doing a Faery Study by mail with Kisma Stepanich and Aine came in one of the trance journeys. She seems to come occasionally now and then and here she is again. At Starwood fire seems to have been the element that I related to most and I feel that I am moving into a stage of fire. Even at Freedom Fest I was asked to call fire for the handfasting and told that I just seemed to relate to it. And at Freedom Fest I embodied the Sun Goddess that Jack invoked though not specifically Aine.
I soaked in the hot tub and thought about Aine. I think I want to start working with Her in circle. It may not be exactly a calling yet I do feel drawn to a degree. Perhaps it is also because love has recently entered my life so strongly that I feel drawn to her. So just as earlier I was thinking about the Dark, the Underworld, the shadowy forest depths I find myself now thinking of brightness, light, heat, dancing flames, power and love, joy.
I think my poor husband doesn't know quite what to do with me these days. Perhaps I am a bit more fae than usual. At first I felt that I wasn't pursuing my priestess training because I wasn't following my plan. But suddenly today I realize that it has taken on another facet. For a time I may not be my careful, cautious, practical self. I am not incautious now but I seem to be floating in another realm while also here. Is this just an effect of being in love? Perhaps I can't entirely rule it out but that too, feels like a piece of the whole.
In the past I have despaired because I didn't feel the Goddess the way I once did. She didn't seem to be there in the very air I breathe, surrounding me, near me wherever I looked, nor was the God. I had to search for them and struggle to find them. But last night in the circle I merely thought of them and they were there. I have been immersed in a sense of them today as I once was. And there is no struggle. They are where they have always been and I can feel them again. And for now I think I am a little drunk on it, on them.
Ecstasy nibbles at the edges of my being. In the hot tub, the combination of heat, my period, and whatever this is had me feeling like I was on the verge of leaving my body. But since I was alone in the hot tub it didn't seem like a wise thing to do, to let go, and so I managed to stay. Tom usually grounds me but I don't want to be grounded. I want to fly. And I need to fly. I have been grounded so long I forgot how to fly. Maybe that's some of the reason Crow came to me in my vision quest, to teach me to fly again. I talked to Tom about this and I told him he has to try not to ground me, but let me fly even though I know it is going to be difficult for him. If I get grounded too soon I won't be able to integrate this so that I can do both again.
Copyright © 2001 Kyril Oakwind