This morning I went to a workshop Callista was giving on Hosting Erotic Events. Later I went to another of her's on Communication, Negotiation, Sex, and Power Exchange. They were interesting workshops and the message seemed to be communication, communication, and communication. It seems to me that negotiation involves a lot of knowing what you want and don't want and what your limits are. I am really not sure when it comes to my own wants. I have some ideas of where my boundaries are but they are kind of wiggly depending on who I am with and what the situation is. One thing that came out of it for me was that I definitely need to get a better handle on what I want, although I am not sure at this moment how to go about that.
In the afternoon was the handfasting of Tinneke and Billiam, two lovely people from the Internest. I also met them in person last year, I think it was. This year they have a darling little one, Tadziu, who had his baby blessing right after the handfasting. These celebrations of love and the growth of a family, these kinds of rites of passages strengthen the community, strengthen the tribe, as we share their love, renew our own, and remember or reforge bonds to others. I know that for me it was very powerful as I thought about the man I am newly in love with, and just how committed I already am to him, how committed I think I am willing to be. It was rather eye-opening to realize just how deeply my feelings for him have gone. And a little overwhelming when in many ways I barely know him, haven't spent that much time with him yet, and still feel this strongly for him.
Tom would say wait and see, or time will tell. But 34 years ago I met Tom in the middle of July and a few short weeks later I looked over at him one evening and I knew that this man was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, that I would marry him. Now I met F. in the middle of July more or less and a few weeks later I sit at a handfasting and feel very similarly about him. I don't know what it means. It seems unlikely that this new relationship will turn out to be a primary kind of connection as well, especially since he has a primary partner already, and yet the feelings are there. If there were a way to do it, I would commit to him as well. It took 3 years for Tom and I to marry after the initial realization. So I imagine that I could wait that long to find out what is happening with F. Still the realization is there. This is another man I could spend the rest of my life with, whose babies I would have been willing to have (if I wasn't 50 yrs old and basically done with all that).
Ronn and entourage arrived at dinnertime. I hung around with Jim and Candy. King David came over and spent time talking about his friend, F. His primary partner told me how they met, and stories about him, his other relationships, etc. I finally went and tried to call him again and he was home. He cancelled a date to be there for my call. It was very sweet of him and I was torn between being delighted that he would and sorry that he missed the date but it was just postponed. We talked a long time and I used up all my free cell phone time and a lot more. Now I can't use the cell phone, unless it is an emergency, for another month.
After our conversation I went back to visit and came across Candy sitting on the side of the road with another person who needed some grounding. Candy called me over and I worked with them. Afterwards Candy and I talked and I felt that we had made a very special connection. I really like her. She is such a joy! She talked about my being a priestess and her willingness to stand with me in circle anytime or take whatever role I might need her to do. That kind of support goes a long way to making me feel that I actually can do this.
Copyright © 2001 Kyril Oakwind