Well I am suddenly feeling more motivated again. I actually got up and did my exercises and finished unpacking and putting everything away. I asked Tom to give me a list of five things that he would like to see get done around the house - things that would not take too long to accomplish, more like minor chores, or things that could be divided up into minor chores. I told him he could include things like making a batch of chocolate chip cookies but only one item like that in the batch of 5. I am not going to spend my days baking and getting nothing else accomplished. Cleaning up one pile of papers on the floor may not seem like much but depending on the pile, filing them all can take a long time. I suddenly have this urge to remove some of the clutter and chaos from my life and cleaning up piles and getting rid of clothes I never wear, etc. are good techniques for doing that. I am feeling the need to get more clear again. And while I don't feel quite able to do it fully right now I do feel that once Pagan Pride is over and I don't have any more obligations for awhile, then I will be able to turn my attention to moving myself forward in my life. I guess winter is coming and it is time to start hunkering down and preparing for it.
For the first time in something like 6-7 years I spoke to my ex-HPS. I was shocked at how much pain over our falling out is still left. I called her over a business matter and we were both polite and distantly friendly. But my heart was beating so fast and I felt depressed and filled with grief. I really feel stupid about this. It was a long time ago. My life has moved on and in many ways is so much better. I might not have been in CAW if that had not happened and I have so many friends and such a wonderful community now. I might not have met F. and fallen in love and that is worth it all. Yet here I am still hurting over it. I have done "letting go" magick for this and actually it is much better than it used to be. I just wish it didn't matter at all anymore.
Copyright © 2001 Kyril Oakwind