I got up and got moving again today. I got a fair amount done then got caught up in studying astrology, searching the web for information about the asteroids and how they are used in charts. It was fascinating. There has been a lot of expansion on their use since the first time I looked for information on them. There are several books that I would like to get on them. Unfortunately I can't afford all the books on astrology that I am interested in. Ah well. But I spent hours on the web researching it. What fun!
F. called and I gathered my courage and talked to him about the email I sent him that he hasn't gotten yet. It was very difficult. I expected to find that we feel very differently about what we want from our relationship, what our goals are, or hopes for the future. But we didn't seem that far apart. And he really is amazing to me. He really does want to work it through and talk about whatever we need to talk about. He tries to be very honest with me, maybe too honest, I don't know but it does give me the sense that I can trust what he tells me. Our conversation left me with several questions, not about him or for him but about me, for me, one is why my self-worth is so low that I keep expecting him to bail out on me. Nothing that he has done or said has given me the idea that he would do it. He seems to put a high value on relationships and loyalty to friends and lovers. And each time we have something to work out he has been there and been willing to go through it. So where does the insecurity and uncertainty come from? Is it intuition or my stuff?
I seem to have abandonment issues and when I thought about it I can see that they might stem from the nervous breakdown of my mom when I was 13. While she didn't leave home she wasn't there emotionally for us. My dad kind of abdicated as being a support for me as well because he was focused on mom and expected us to be just as focused. And I have had a number of early relationships with friends where they moved on to the next friend and left me, some moved, some just found other best friends. And the long-term friendships that we had with our HP/HPS and daughter-coven ended with what felt like abandonment as well. I have felt the same kind of emotional abandonment from Tom due to his chronic depression. I guess that part of me keeps expecting F. to do the same thing. One of our difficulties was a situation that triggered those feelings while I was out there recently. And I have had a hard time putting them to rest again.
The other thing that came up for me was the difficulty I have with being weak. It seems to me that I have had to be strong for everyone else from my mom and dad telling me I had to be the adult because she couldn't be, to my husband and children, to people in my various groups. It is not that I never have my weak moments but I try to swallow my own feelings and be an objective counselor for others when they seem to want that or need that. My relationship with F. is bringing up those areas where I feel weak, or allowing some of my weaknesses to boil up to the surface, maybe because I do feel very safe with him most of the time. What do I do with that? I don't like it but I don't think I can really get to my strengths without going through it. The problem is that then F. ends up having to deal with it. And I worry that he won't like me if he sees all that. I do know that is foolish, but there it is.
Copyright © 2001 Kyril Oakwind