I woke up thinking about F. again. In the last few days I have become more obsessed with him than I have been for a while. I don't know what that is about unless it is just that I am going to see him tomorrow. It has seemed to me that my feelings for him were less intense than before and I have been analyzing why that might be so and whether it reflects a change in our relationship. Now I wonder if I am just adapting to seeing him for three weeks and then not seeing him for a month to 6 weeks. I feel a little like I have been trying to set him aside some place where I won't be missing him too much while I am away from him but where I can pull those feelings back out when I am with him. Compartmentalizing I guess. If so, it feels very strange. I think I liked it better when I was missing him intensely than when I feel less.
Tom doesn't want me to make love with F. if Tom is in the house and that feels very weird to me. I am very poly and relate to multiple lovers at the same time as a natural way of being. His wanting to distance himself from it all feels to me like he doesn't really accept it after all. I find that it makes me very uncomfortable that he seems to have so much difficulty with this. How can I be completely true to my needs and the way I am and still accept and honor him for his? I don't want to hurt him but I don't want to hurt myself or my other lovers either. I thought things had really gotten much better - maybe we have just reached another layer of stuff. Sigh…
Copyright © 2001 Kyril Oakwind