I haven't really made any New Year's resolutions. I have been looking back on the last few years, though. It seems to me that my life has narrowed down a great deal while I was trying to graduate from college with my B.A. Everything was about studying and focused on that and grades. When I had spare time, if any, I really didn't have the energy to pursue other interests. I have stumbled from one deadline to the next. If it was time to have a ritual, then I turned my attention there, quickly put everything together, cleaned the house, whatever, did the ritual and returned to my school focus.
Now having graduated there is nothing to push against - no test coming up (ok there is the GRE in two weeks), no assignment due this week, etc. And all the motivation and determination that kept me moving even when I was tired, disheartened, or burnt out, is in abeyance. I am feeling distinctly unmotivated. I don't want to go out. I don't want to visit with others. I don't want to do anything. I have been debating whether this qualifies as depression. I am not particularly sad. As long as I am not doing anything I am reasonably happy - ok I am reading books, playing solitaire, or daydreaming, just not getting anything actually accomplished. I keep wondering when my motivation will mysteriously return to me.
Tom and I have been working with our Tai Chi video about 4 days now - it is very slow-going as we don't remember the form anymore. Basically I can only handle about two positions - then it still takes me two days of seeing and trying those two positions before I remember it well enough to add it to what I already know of the form. We are up to the 8th position in the short Yang form, I think (Brush knee or something like that.) It is hard to feel a sense of progress when we go so slowly. I am continuing to meditate but have not had any more of a sense of progress there either. My mind is still filled with noise, plans, churning out thoughts without end. I keep hoping for a moment or two of silence.
The one area I have made some progress, if only a little, is housecleaning. I worked on cleaning the kitchen last week (still need to clean the stove, though.) And today I vacuumed off some of the cobwebs along the ceiling. I went through one small pile of stuff on the floor and actually found a place for it. But that is pretty much it.
Still I am holding to the idea that I can get into the habit of exercising every day, meditating, and doing some spiritual work while I am out of school, as well as accomplish some progress on long delayed projects. After all it is a brand new millennium.
Copyright © 2001 Kyril Oakwind