I am in a slight let down mode at the moment after all the activity of Starwood. There I had a great deal of contact, strokes, developing friendships, enfolded in the arms of my community - what a high! Now I am almost back to the real world but resisting it mightily. Last night, I got an unexpected call from a lovely man. It definitely held back the return to the mundane world. I floated for the rest of the evening and still feel the pleasure of it this morning. What a beautiful day out! From where I am sitting in the house I can look out into the rich green world of the forest, see the bright sunlight illuminating the leaves, making them glow from within. I love the play of light and shadow (as I have probably written here before), the yin/yang of it all. We have a red maple in the yard, several actually and I can see there dark maroon leaves and the light glistening off them. The green and maroon make a lovely contrast that reiterates the light and shadow theme.
And I am reminded of one of the rituals that I attended at Starwood, "Venus on a Full Shell", which was priested by Ronn Walks With Fire of CAW and Spirit Weaver's Church and Raven (who is involved with CAW and Spirit Weaver's too, I believe, but I don't actually know what her affiliations are.) It was a very interesting, thought-provoking, and I think for many, controversial ritual. A few years ago it would have been very much so for me as well. The ritual area was defined by luminaria from the night before so they were burned out but in white bags that made a nice border. An opening was left to bring people in and though I don't know for sure as I didn't watch I felt that the area had been swept clean of unwanted energies and perhaps warded in some way.
We came in through an opening left in the ring of bags by passing several people who prepared us. At first we were stopped by a young man with a knife/athame, who asked us our name, then allowed us to pass. I was already dropping into a kind of ritual trance state, a little prematurely since I was not yet in protected space. So my memory of the ritual may be a little garbled. The next man asked us something about whether we were coming to the circle with an open mind and heart, I believe. He welcomed us then. Another man smudged us, and a woman anointed us with oil. As these were all people that I knew from CAWmunity I found it more moving due to our connections than I might otherwise have done and perhaps somewhat explains why I felt safe enough to start moving into trance before being in completely safe space (wise or not, of course there was a full circle put up around the festival site from the opening ritual as well).
As we entered the circle area we were given a cord that would be charged with the energy later in the ritual. My cord was blue. At the time it seemed particularly appropriate to me as I was dealing with some new emotions, falling in love, and trying to integrate the love that I was feeling with my more rational approach to life that kept interjecting the idea that it was infatuation and would pass after the festival. So this was a particularly appropriate ritual for me at that time.
We danced around the perimeter as we entered, beginning to fill the space with our energy. I had a connection to one of the people in the ritual and I was trying not to let my energies reach out in a way that would distract him from his role or redirect any of the energies. I am afraid I was not completely successful in that regard but I believe his focus was sufficient to the task. And my awareness of him truly did enhance the experience for me, given the type of ritual.
The God was invoked into the May King to entice Venus to join us, a nice touch I thought. And Venus was also invoked through the May Queen. She came with a bouquet of flowers (which reminded me of the article Oberon and Morning Glory wrote entitled a "Bouquet of Lovers".) As most CAW ritual tends to be participatory in some way Venus asked us to turn to our right if we could answer yes to her questions.
The first was had we ever loved unconditionally, without regard for return from the other. I am not sure that I have ever done that in the context of a romantic relationship. There have certainly been moments in my relationships when I have felt that way but not overall. Though as a mother I know that I have loved my children unconditionally simply because they exist. Not all the time, of course:) but often. So I chose not to turn.
The second question, I believe, was about ever having loved in a way to let people past one's shields. This too is difficult for me now, after having been hurt very deeply in the past but it once was a part of my nature to do so, to open to those I loved, to risk the vulnerability of allowing them past the shields to my heart. There was a time when I felt that the pain of loss of love or betrayal, or just the flux where the love changes until it can't sustain the relationship, was worth the joy of discovery, the merging of heart and soul, the intimacy of recognition and bonding that can come from opening one's heart to love. I think I still have the capacity though and I know that the desire to do so can still be triggered. So I turned to my right.
Then, suddenly, someone new came to the ritual. A woman dressed in black leather top, a black lace bottom, carrying a whip, and a smaller purple scourge-like thing. She was the Dark Venus, the other side of the bright beauty of love, and represented things like the thoughts and dark fantasies we all have, the harder aspects of loving, the desires to have what belongs to someone else, etc. She came in dramatically, and uninvited by Her bright Sister. Those who had not turned to the right at Venus' questions were called into the center and the Dark Venus said that these were hers.
We all have desires that we may not be proud of, or are not accepted by our society, ones we have been told are wrong or not worthy somehow. We all have to come to terms with them. Pretending they are not there, leaving them unacknowledged isn't the way to deal with them. And they will come, not only uninvited, but with more power and energy for all of our repression. They will come demanding some sacrifice as did the Dark Queen in the ritual. Venus begged her sister to stay and accept some gift to appease her, to please her. And what the Dark Venus wanted was the God. He was given to her in sacrifice and token of her power.
I found the theme touched something in me too. Something had happened to reawaken my own awareness of the question of dominance and surrender in a relationship, power differentials and the erotic energy that can be present in them in a good way. I was rethinking, refeeling perhaps, an unexplored area of myself. Whatever comes of this, whatever degree I choose to allow this external expression it must still be acknowledged and accepted within, an appropriate balance found.
The Dark Queen also asked us questions and we turned to the left if they struck a cord. It's funny I really don't remember the questions she asked but I know that I turned at the first one. I think most did. We all had to acknowledge that we have those feelings as well.
At one point in the ritual we charged up the cords we had been given (which many including me had tied around our wrists) and were given a token according to the color of the cords. Some went to the Bright Venus to have a question answered, some to the Dark Venus, some received candles, I think, others shells (which is what I received for my altar and seems to me to represent again the openness of loving without holding back, amongst others.) and still others bells.
It was a very interesting ritual. I heard later that one person was upset with what they perceived as the BDSM elements with the God at the feet of the Dark Venus and she letting the whip trail over him. To me, that is taking symbolism and treating it in too literal a fashion. While there was certainly that aspect of it, it seemed to me to be more representative of all the ways of loving that our society says are wrong or inappropriate and so we stuff them down inside and don't acknowledge them, don't seek to understand their place within us. And we all have desires of one kind or another that we may think are petty, frightening, tempting and fearful, hurtful, etc. Darkness exists within us as does light. Sometimes our strengths come at least as much from the darkness acknowledged and integrated within as it does from the light. For those willing to be moved, to really look deeply, to open to change and potential, I think the ritual was very powerful.
Today, though, I find myself still tired and unfocused. I spent the early morning writing the above part of the journal entry then reconnected with a local friend through phone conversation. We talked about our respective new loves, vented about some people problems that each of us were having with others, talked about Pagan Pride which we are both involved with locally, and she reminded me about the meeting tonight. Good thing because I had totally forgotten it. I started the laundry, began to unpack some things, had lunch but find that actually moving my body around takes too much energy. It is easier to sit here and write.
Copyright © 2001 Kyril Oakwind