Yesterday by about 4:30 in the afternoon I was so chilled that I decided to start a fire. I brought paper and a candle with me. Small twigs were carefully placed over the paper and larger twigs over those in a cone. I lit the paper and fire. What a nice little blaze it made for the first few minutes before it fizzled out. So I got more paper, poured some wax over the next set of twigs and started over. I got fire that produced a lot of smoke and little flame this time. It seemed to have fizzled out again so back to the tent for more paper. I was feeling like I was not much of a survivor if I couldn't even get the fire going. I fanned the fire with the paper before starting to rebuild it and suddenly beautiful flames and warmth. Now I am regretting that I didn't think to bring a pot to heat water for herbal tea. (I gave up caffeine for the vision quest.) A nice hot drink would have been nice when I am cold.
I sat by the fire, feeding it small branches frequently to keep it going as I didn't have any large wood to keep it going longer. Twice I heard the snorting of a deer going by on the path. They make that sound as a threat/warning. Somewhere I read that Herne got his name from that sound.
At about 8 or so I let the fire die down and got ready for bed. I put on long underwear, clean socks, and a sweat suit. I laid down and began some trance work but got colder and colder, even in the sleeping bag, so that all I could think about was getting my extra sweater and putting it on. I gave up after awhile and got the sweater. Then I fell asleep focusing on my breathing as it moved in slowly, and then moved out slowly. I woke up around midnight but fell asleep again quickly.
I know I had a lot of dreams because unrelated bits and pieces are floating in my mind this morning. One dream was about camping in a tent on a beach. An African American boy dove into my tent from the side landing across me. (Apparently the tent had no floor and he came under the side.) He and friends were playing ball and he was chasing the ball. I was pretty startled but no harm was done. In another dream I was laying down and this gizmo got on me. I don't know what it was trying to do. I was trying to pull it off me and it seemed to be small colored balls or large beads on wire. There was a lot of it. Someone came in and lifted it up and off me.
It's cold out and I don't want to get dressed and go out just to spend another chilled day. My hand is sore from breaking branches yesterday and I already need to collect more for a fire tonight. I just heard a sound like someone pounding slowly on a drum. It didn't sound anything like the drumming sound a ruffed grouse can make. I wonder if this is a workweek at Circle Sanctuary or something. I guess I should get moving.
After doing a Reiki-like full body self-healing I did a trance for a spirit guide for my vision quest. I saw myself going up a mountain path, a stony path, following it up and up, ever higher, seeking a guide. Finally I came to an opening in a rock face leading to a cave and one the ledge in front of the opening was a bright spirit, a shining one. I asked for help and received a feeling of merging with the light that was quite intense for a moment, then I was led into the cave, to a warm fire, where tea was brewing. I drank the tea and felt the warmth of it down my throat and into my stomach. The words "be open to the possibilities" were in my mind as I returned from trance.
I took a long walk. There's been so much rain that everything is soaked. My legs are wet to the knee, my feet and socks also drenched. It was an odd walk in some ways. At first I noticed things like a tree across the trail (we need to move it and maintain the trail); this large antler shaped fern should be transplanted before we mow; the ferns are thigh high. It was more of a land owner's way of looking, I suppose. Then I began to notice how many insects were all around and it became a lot less pleasant, more challenging walk. I feel quite drained now but it was good.
The lower meadow is a sea of plants from knee high to waist high and insects jumped or flew up with every step. I saw a garter snake where I was about to step but managed to avoid it and it slithered away. I continued across the lower meadow heading to the trail on the other side. The trail through the lower meadow is completely over grown. I flicked a tick off and kept moving. Another cute little garter snake slithered away. In all the years we have been here I've seen maybe three snakes. This summer since snake came in a trace I have seen three in six weeks.
Suddenly I thought of the Salvia experience I had and the moment of insight about fear and I could feel a distinct drop in tension as I relaxed a little. The fear didn't totally go away but it got easier.
There was a recently downed tree across the trail at the far end of the meadow. The leaves were still green and growing. It looks to be a big Poplar tree. It doesn't produce as much heat as a denser wood like oak and burns quickly but will probably be fine for bonfires. I climbed over and through it and headed up the hill. A deer snorted but I never saw it. There were ruffed grouse feathers on the trail, scattered about both on the ground and on plants. I found 12 of them and a tiny piece of down that I left behind. Perhaps I will use them to decorate the east altar.
I began to feel mildly ill as I came up the hill. A slight headache began which I still have. The crows were being quite raucous as I neared my camp and I wondered what it was about. Then I heard the high pitched skree of a hawk. They finally drove it off and I heard it complaining as it flew. I'm emotionally torn about it. On the one hand the hawk is a predator and more powerful than a single crow so banding together to chase it off increases their power and ability to survive. On the other hand the hawk is beautiful and only one bird. It doesn't seem right to gang up on it.
And then I see parallels where people gang up on one who is different or perceived as dangerous and they harm them. But I also see people banding together to fight logging, toxic dumps, and other corporate activities. I am not sure what lesson can be gained from it.
The crows are quiet now and the other birds are singing and twittering. A woodpecker was knocking on wood near my tent, a Hairy Woodpecker, I think. I watched it from inside the tent when I went to get juice.
Still tired from my walk and cold from being wet but I should go collect more wood for a fire tonight. The morning went fast but the afternoon is moving at a snail's pace.
It's evening now. The sun is still up but I am tired and feel like I could go to bed. It's too early though. If I sleep now I will be awake in the early morning before it is light.
After I rested from my walk I went out to dance the Cauldron and cry for a vision again. I danced and sang and talked and walked around and around. I talked about the church and that sometimes people forget to treat each other like the divine beings they are. And sometimes we forget that while we may be divine we are also only eggs, gods in potential, not fully actualized deities. We all seem to get caught up in the drama and forget to be kind, to give other's the benefit of the doubt. At the same time a tribe needs to be able to trust and have integrity. I wonder what my service as a Priestess and clergy member could be.
I was talking with Sam about the Priesthood, 7th circle, and an idea I had about opening 7th circle to other tracks (not as members of the Priesthood but as a council of elders.) We talked about ordination and a ceremony of investiture for other tracks. Sam felt going to 7th in another track should still include some of the same requirements as for the Priesthood, everyone going to 7th should do the vision quest. But not the challenge ritual because not everyone pursuing other tracks are ritualists. Sam saw being a ritualist as particularly a matter for clergy and while I agree that clergy need to be ritualists, in the Pagan community and in CAW there are a lot of people perfectly able to do ritual. Scions of whatever track often lead ritual for their nest and others. So what is particular to the Priesthood? I am not really sure. These are some of the questions I am looking at, meditating on.
Collecting wood went quicker this time. There were several small trees dead and standing. I broke them off and brought them up to my campsite to finish breaking them apart. This time I made several piles of graduated sizes. It worked quite well when I lit the fire.
After wood gathering I read Diane Stein's Essential Reiki and did several of the exercises. One was to contact your life guide. She said it was easy but I didn't experience anything I recognize as contact. I also tried some of the circulating Ki exercises.
By 5:30 or so I was ready for a fire. I built it carefully with tiny twigs over paper and poured wax on the twigs when I was ready to light it. Then I sat and carefully fed it little twigs, slowly moving up in size, bit by bit, until I had a nice fire going. It seems like a good analogy for how I see myself as a Priestess in CAW. Tending the fire needed care, building up slowly, being careful not to smother the fire, leaving plenty of air space, and enjoying the process of building as much as the fire itself. I have mentioned before that I don't have the charisma that many of those in the Priesthood have. Now I am thinking that the charisma is like the bonfire at Starwood, huge, showy an incredible experience. But a campfire or a hearth fire keeps us warm on a daily basis. It isn't as showy but it does the job anyway.
Copyright © 2001 Kyril Oakwind