I dreamed that I went home after the vision quest and Tom was outside working. I saw a white birch pole with cross piece broken and lying in a pile of trash. It was the pole my mask had been on by the ancestral altar (the actual pole isn't birch). My mask was now on a straight thick pole next to a tree. I was very upset that he had done it. He said he just couldn't stand having a cross in the yard so he took it down. I said something about not forgiving him for it.
I woke up and drifted off to a brief image - one I would have liked to see more of. It was like a huge wall in a theatre with a clear or bluish oval. Behind the oval were people in various poses that seemed to have a theme. There were 2 women with long white hair, a young boy not quite a man, and a couple of men. Maybe others. They shifted place quickly by floating/flying into the next one. One might have been a harvest scene but they changed so quickly I couldn't retain it. Instead I am left with the impression of beauty and can only describe it poorly. (It reminds me vaguely of an aquarium.)
I drifted off again and dreamed that Jack came to my tent to find out how my vision quest was going. But that's all I remember. (It turns out that Jack did call a few days later and talked to Tom to see how I was doing.)
In the night I woke with a headache and took something for it. A deer started snorting as it went by. They sound a little like a train or something when the keep snorting as they go and the sound gets quieter as they get farther away. It was pretty funny.
Today I am really dragging. My mind is moving more slowly with blank periods. This is only the third day. I hope people are right when they say that the first three days are the worst in a fast.
I went for a very slow walk. The hawk screed and circled me once as I went by one part of the trail. Peeping sounds came from high in the trees. If this is the same hawk the crows were chasing, and it could be, as the incredible cawing din came from that area then it could be the hawk's nest is there. I did hear two different hawks, a pair most likely.
My steps were very slow as I walked to the area for the Shrine for the Unborn and Infants site. I wanted to see where we could put a trail in and how much work it would be to clean up the dead wood; what if any live trees would need to be cut down. With an eye to convenience for placing memorials and doing services there is a reasonably large flat area on top the rock face that would allow ritual while a path down the slope on one side would allow easy access, though not handicap access, I think. There's a deer trail across the hill, which could be expanded into a people trail. It could also be brought up the slope on the other side, making a large circular path. There is a place coming down between the rocks, which looks like it could be a water runoff area but it might be possible to turn that into stairs at some point.
The first step will be getting Tom out with the tractor to mow the first part of the path. Then if possible get a work party out here to clear the dead wood and salvage any useable firewood. After that it would only take a couple of people to clear the brush in front of the rock face in order to place statuary, plaques, or offerings. Planting would most likely be an ongoing process, as would some degree of maintenance.
I wonder if this would make a suitable clergy project? Perhaps not since it is on my private land. However, I intend to give access to mourners. I also wonder if there are zoning requirements for something like that.
Tom came with the pipe and Salvia to sit with me while I smoked it. While he was here he tick checked me and also helped me get wood for the fire. He also brought more water, some fresh juice, and my wrist braces. My right hand and arm ache pretty badly by the time I go to bed, mostly from breaking branches. My left knee is swollen from the walking and the dancing but it doesn't hurt as much as my arm. Tom commented on my low energy. I am very tired.
We bought a glass pipe to smoke the Salvia with because we could put a little water in it to help cool the smoke though it isn't intended for that and doesn't work real well that way. It was pretty harsh though. I smoked a bowl and laid back. I saw a rainbow around a dark spot, like a rainbow colored eye, rainbow where the white would be. Then I saw a rainbow colored shape, not sure what it looked like, but I started singing in my head about a rainbow lady and rainbow eye. "Rainbow colored eye, looking back at me. What do you see? Rainbow Lady coming to me. Who are you now?"
Tom filled the bowl again and I smoked more. I felt very hot this time. My body was folding up, like it was melting and being stuffed into a dark gold fissure, a crack in the darkness, in the universe. I wonder what's on the other side?
I think I haven't managed to get a high enough dose yet. Tom is coming back on Sunday and I will try again. We took a walk down the path and it is a very pleasant high after the visuals are done.
A deer just snorted by. I don't feel so badly about being afraid of animals in the woods as it occurred to me that their response is the same as mine, fear. And while they don't know it they are far better equipped than I am for defense.
I am still feeling flushes of heat from the Salvia though I smoked it quite a while ago and while not very high now, neither am I straight. The sun is out now. It is very beautiful sifting through the leaves and shining patterns on the tree trunks.
While I was sitting at the fire singing to the forest and the fire about beauty I looked up and caught brown and movement. A deer was going by uphill passing over the ridge. I would have thought it would have heard my singing and turned away. Suddenly it snorted and bounded away. I just kept singing. It stopped, turned, and moved in my direction looking for me. It stopped and watched me as I sat unmoving, singing about the beauty in the forest. Then it bounded away without snorting and with its tail down, so it was not alarmed. It was an incredibly magickal moment and I was happy.
I can hear coyotes, I think. The birds are singing all around me. They are definitely one of the highlights of this week.
One part that is hard besides being afraid or anxious at times, is not having much to do. Kris took some books with her, ones that would help her think about being a priestess. I have a few books too but find that I am reading very little each day. Jack spent time working on the campsites for SweetWood on his land. Without work the time passes slowly.
I am a creature of routine though. Already there is a routine to my days. I wake up and write down what I remember of my dreams, than have some juice and water for breakfast. I get back in bed and do the full body Reiki-style self-healing. After that I do some trance work. Finally I get up and get dressed and go out for a walk. When I come back tired I go into the tent and sit for awhile resting and spend some time a way from the insects. I have lunch -- more juice and water. When I feel recovered I go out and dance around the Cauldron while singing. I talk out my thoughts about being a priestess, my church, my relationships within the church, and ask for a vision. When I feel done with that I go back to the tent and do more trance work. And finally I collect firewood for the night's fire. Before bed I write in my journal again, get ready for bed, and do a final trance before sleeping. Wow! Written down it seems like a very busy day but there is plenty of time between things when I am just sitting watching the forest or zoned out. Fleeting dream-like images pass through my mind but once gone I can't recall them.
Copyright © 2001 Kyril Oakwind