In the morning I walked up the hill and stood to pee watching the cloud of mosquitoes swarm around my feet. Luckily I had sprayed my feet before I went up and they didn't bite. But I am not liking this. I didn't sleep well, which makes this all the more irritating. I feel foolish though to let something this minor get to me. I don't like letting my fears get me down.
It was chilly and I hunkered down in my sleeping bag but I was still cold in the night so I woke up often. Then my campsite was not level and I had placed the air mattress sideways without thinking, so I kept sliding towards the edge of the mattress. I would wake up hanging off the edge a bit and have to scootch back up to the higher side by wiggling. If I could have seen myself do it I would have been quite amused:) Of course, I could have done something about it by getting up, turning the bed lengthwise, putting more clothes on for the cold, and gone back to bed. I just couldn't bring myself to go out into the cold.
Lord, as I write of the events I keep seeing parallels to life in general. LOL Sometimes you just have to get out of your rut and take care of things. All too often we would rather suffer in the situation that we are in than do something a little harder in order to improve things. I can't help it sometimes my mind just works like that. I find it all pretty funny, although not always at the time.
Two meals a day were provided for the price of the festival. Breakfast was one of the meals. I ate the wonderful juicy sweet melons provided. There were other things available too. Over breakfast Pierce, Jon, and a woman, whose name I don't remember, discussed gene modification. My impression was that Pierce was for it and the rest of us were not. I think there are some real potentials for it and would not want to simply cut it all off but on the other hand I don't think they should be easily released into the wild. I have no idea how one might do it safely. This has also been a major topic of discussion on the Internest. It is an important topic. How does one balance technology with all its advantages and frightening disadvantages and the health of our planet? Everyone seems to have a different idea of the proper balance. I would like to see it way tilted towards our Mother Earth, towards Gaia.
I am already tired and the day is just beginning. The opening ceremonies were largely announcements and intros but what a treat to see and hear some of the people I only know through our online contact. As the editor of Nest to Nest I have a lot of contact with nests and nest coordinators through email but because we are so widespread have not met many of them. Someone called out that it was good to finally put a face to my name when I introduced myself. Later the shuttle driver, Mike, came up to me to introduce himself again. We had been in correspondence about a change in coordinators within his nest. So we talked some business. It was really fun to get the recognition. I don't do what I do to get it - I do it because it is there to do and I can be of service to my church and tribe but I can't deny that getting strokes feels really good. It made me feel that my efforts were appreciated. There are many of us doing the work, trying to manifest a variety of overlapping visions. If there is a problem, often people are quick to point it out. But sometimes not so quick to give strokes. I have heard complaints about clergy and their failings but many of the good works and real sacrifices made are ignored. I find it distressing. There are also those who truly try to support the efforts of others, who give appreciation for efforts, cut people slack for their failings, and those tribe members make it possible to keep at it when the politics get thick.
Shortly after the opening ceremonies was one performed by the May King and Queen. We went to the May circle area for it. The May royalty have been a part of the church for many years. Chosen through the May games, they have been charged with carrying the energy of the land, of the tribe, of the church. With the energies tied together like that, as the church goes so does the May couple, as the May couple so the church. Tina told me that in the several years in which she has attended it was obvious who was going to win. Anyway with the politicking and disarray in the church at various times May royalty have suffered through the years. They have had personal problems during their reign.
Morgan and Anne, the current royalty, felt it would be wrong to pass on the energy to another couple, and the topic was also discussed by the clergy. It was decided to lay the energy down, to let it go fallow for a while to be renewed. My heart ached for them as they spoke poetically of their experiences and discoveries, their joys and sorrows of the past year. They buried the crowns in the May circle at Annwfn to let the energy return to the earth, to renew, to rejuvenate.
On a personal level I find this all very difficult as well. I am working towards clergy at a time of many endings. At the clergy retreat in March Oberon retired. Starwhite has also retired for health reasons among others. And now the May royalty have laid the energy to rest but I have never seen how they are chosen. Times of transition are the liminal times, the times betwixt and between, standing at the threshold, the sacred point. These have been considered by tribal and ancient peoples to be dangerous times. Chaos and flux abound and no one knows if the new pattern that emerges will be for the good of the tribe or not so there were ritual means to protect and constrain it.
To become a Priestess in such a time is scary, at least to me. I don't know what the times will require or whether I am up to it. And it is a time when those I care about are in pain. Energetically its confused and murky or at least it appears to me that way. Those who should be guiding me in my postulancy, who should be providing support, in my opinion, are themselves in great need of support, caught up in the transition, their energies sapped by the politics and emotional undercurrents. I don't feel that I have anything to offer through this. I seem to have lost my own way. At almost 50 years of age I don't see myself as a pioneer (I never have been so why would I be now?), or as one with a vision to inspire others, or a new direction to blaze. As I write this, a tendon in my knee screams for attention and it is time for more ibuprofen.
Everyone is supposed to do an hour work shift to help the festival happen. I signed up for kitchen duty, something I really don't like doing but I can't tote and carry much anymore; sitting at the registration table was full so kitchen duty it was. I started out fire tending for the water heater but there was nothing to do between times to check it for quite a while. Finally there were things to do, knives to wash, shrimp to clean, mussels to thaw, and then nothing again. Eric, the kitchen God (co-coordinator with his wife, Kat) told us to take a break and check back with him in a while. Since I was fire-tending I checked back every 10 minutes or so to keep the fire going. I thought it had gotten a bit too high and was trying to let it come down but when I went back to check the water had boiled over and someone was tending it. It seems Eric had been micro-managing and continued to put wood in the box. So between us we managed to get it very hot.
Eric made some comment later about my being so responsible because when I told him I had to go do something and that I would be right back, I came back. Finally after four hours of kitchen duty I was quite tired. He told me to go so I did. But he and Kat were at it for much much longer. Finally about 8:30 dinner was ready, about two hours after its scheduled time. This delayed the Walspurgisnacht ritual, which didn't start til about 10 pm and went til 12:30 pm. I started the day tired, worked in the kitchen for 4 hours, and attended a late ritual.
The ritual was rather amazing. Orion designed and priested it. Tina, not the Tina I stayed with, another Tina, was the priestess. They did a good job. It was designed as a healing ritual in which we asked for help to heal the conflicts and get help for Annwfn from 4 deities associated with the quarters: Hermes, Hephestus, Aphrodite, and Athena, as well as the creatures of the 4 elements, who were invoked into those who would speak for them. I don't care for rituals that are basically psychodrama so I was really not at all sure how this was going to work but because I trust the priest (I didn't know the priestess so this is not to imply anything about her.) I was willing to suspend judgment and experience it (something I am not as good at as I would like to be, I admit). It seemed to be going well. Aphrodite was quite amazing though I thought she reminded me somewhat of the Aphrodite on Xena. But she carried it off quite well and was charming and engaging. Finally it was the time for Water to speak and the priestess carrying that energy was overwhelmed with grief. She spoke of those who shared water in circle who were not there because of conflict, of the rift that left in the tribe. She watered the circle with her tears.
The priestess went to help her energetically. I don't know if she actually left the circle or not though I think she did along with some of the deities and elements. Her deep sobbing could be heard not only by the ears but powerfully speaking to each one's heart and to their loss. After a bit we moved on to the next part of the ritual and began to dance around the bonfire to prepare to throw into it our papers with what we want to rid ourselves of. People needed to move, wanted to dance, needed to let the energy flow.
The priestess stopped it, saying that our sister was in pain and we couldn't go on. We needed to deal with it first. (Personally I felt a kind of energetic shock at her stopping it which was jarring. But she was the priestess of the rite and it was her call.) Aphrodite came back to the center of the circle and spoke. Speaker for the animals also came into the center and spoke. Then she gave a cup of water to someone and told them to share it with someone in the circle and she asked them to share with the circle what watersharing meant to them. I found this uncomfortable as it seemed to me somewhat coercive. To me, it seemed to be a one-on-one watersharing which is a very intimate and personal act. Those who did this in circle spoke of sharing amongst tribe members and not individual types of watersharing and so reframed it.. This was repeated several times and finally Water returned. Along with the group watersharing, the names of those who used to be there but have moved on because of conflict were called, the loved ones and old friends. It was difficult and painful but grieving can be like that and healing can't begin until the hard part of grieving is complete. We can't let go and release the things that need releasing until we have largely finished our grieving.
When the ritual finished everyone went to eat the homemade ice cream. There was a little drumming and I danced for a few minutes but with everyone eating the ice cream the dancing never really got started, at least while I was there. Tina mentioned that they don't seem to dance around the bonfire as much as we do out here. I really missed it. It is pretty hard on my knees but I can dance and will to dance. The next day my knees are not too good but it is worth it. At the StarSpring Walspurgisnacht I danced around the fire; I trance danced until my legs were sore but it didn't matter I was dancing. But I was really tired after the ritual and headed off to bed. It was after 2:00 am. Rich said goodnight to me as he walked by. Too bad he didn't stop in, tired or not, I would have slept with him. I am still unsure whether it is really inappropriate or not. He is very sweet.
Copyright © 2001 Kyril Oakwind