Yesterday Tom and I made love in the morning with intensity:) then in the afternoon we had a date. We haven't had a date in years and years. We went to the Elvehjem Art Museum and then to the Sai-ba Thong Thai restaurant. The food is good and we were early so there was no waiting and in fact few people there. I ordered something with shrimp, scallops, mussels, and calamari along with vegetables and a yellow curry sauce. Yummy!
Later in the evening I had a bout of anxiety - my chest was tight, breathing was uncomfortable like I couldn't quite catch my breath although I was breathing fine, etc. I recognize it when it happens and don't get caught up in becoming more and more anxious or fearful because I know that those symptoms are caused by something emotional. Instead I look for the emotional cause. Tom and I went to bed and spent a couple of hours talking about it. And eventually he named it -- separation anxiety. I was feeling the distance between F. and I as a loss of connection. Our connection was fairly intense over the weekend with lots of sex, several intensely emotional interactions, and a difficult parting. The less intense interactions of phone conversations every day, nonetheless, left me with a sense of loss and separation, which seems to have been the trigger for the anxiety.
This morning I continued to think about it and came to the conclusion that my mom's nervous breakdown when I was 13; my father's criticism and need for me to assume an adult position emotionally; and the later loss of several key relationships, seems to have primed me to respond to decrease in connectivity with preparation for the relationship ending. I don't know that I can really stop that as I have certainly had a long time to build up all the psychological responses to possible loss and an expectation that sooner or later it will occur. But F. and I talked about it this morning and he can't say that our relationship is forever but he will say that I am not going to lose him for the foreseeable future, that I mean too much to him for that. He feels very bonded to me and he tells me that I am secure with him. I felt much better after talking with him. He just has a way of knowing what to do or say to reassure me. Then he ended with giving me his number at work so that if I really need to get in touch with him, to hear his voice, I can. And while I am unlikely to call him at work unless it is an emergency, I feel better knowing it is ok with him if I do.
Probably due to the emotional work last night and this morning I have been more tired today so haven't gotten a whole lot done - a little laundry, washed down the outside surface of a set of kitchen cabinets, cleaned the sink, did some laundry, and went food shopping. I had hoped to get more done but I am trying to be happy with getting even small amounts done each day.
Copyright © 2001 Kyril Oakwind