Tom and I were going to make love but he told me it was too early when I woke up and I should just get up and do whatever I was going to do. I pointed out to him that once I was in the midst of dealing with the things that needed to get done I might not feel like having sex and we had people coming over at noon. But he wanted to sleep anyway and I was really pissed about it. I just felt like we were making some changes in our relationship due to my having another primary-like relationship and this felt like going back to the same old, same old.
Later F. called and we talked about it for a while. He suggested that I go and talk to Tom (who was now up) about it and tell him that I love him and want to make love with him but I was not in the mood for that. So after talking about other things for a bit he began a long involved sexual fantasy that certainly made me hot. I gathered the point was to arouse me so that I would go and make love with Tom. And I have certainly done that often enough after conversations with him:) (Tom is fine with taking advantage of my arousal state regardless of what has triggered it.)
This time though after the fantasy he asked me to do him a favor and scream. I thought this was pretty odd. He wanted a kind of primal scream. And he moved the phone away from his mouth and demonstrated to me what he wanted me to do. I was very uncomfortable about the whole idea. It didn't seem like a big deal really but when I would go to do it I got very anxious and would back down from the point of doing it. He was quite calm and supportive about it, spoke about understanding that it was hard for me to do, that Tom might run in concerned but would see that I was ok, and it would be ok. F. felt that it would open me up. And the more difficult it seemed for me to do it, the more he felt that it was a good idea. Finally he just ordered me to do it now and I did. It was very odd. Tom did come running in and I told him that F. had just told me to scream, that nothing was wrong. He held me anyway though because he could see that it had affected me emotionally. I said goodbye and hung up the phone.
Tom and I went into the bedroom and talked about what had happened and how I had felt about screaming. It was very strange to me but I felt completely paralyzed about doing something that was going to draw attention to me in that way. Tom didn't know that I was going to scream so I knew that it would affect him at least momentarily on an emotional level and that disturbed me too. I really am very uncomfortable with drawing attention to myself - I sometimes have terminal self-consciousness. I don't know if I have always been shy or if it has developed more and more as we lived a quiet rural life. We generally don't see people every week. After we talked we decided to make love even though Jack and Kim were due over shortly and I still needed a shower.
Then my mother called and Tom answered. Rather than having the sense to tell her that I couldn't talk right then and I would call her back he passed the phone to me. So I talked with her for 15 min. during which she asked me what was so important in Los Angeles that I would be going out there again for another several weeks and over thanksgiving. I just said I had friends out there who were involved in my church and they were willing to pay part of the cost of the ticket to bring me out so it was an opportunity I didn't want to pass up. I found myself almost ready to just tell her that I would be visiting my other partner out there but that would have entailed a long discussion and we definitely would not have been able to have sex then. So I didn't.
We managed to fit in a quickie, something we haven't done in quite a while. Most times we have to have a clear hour and a half, and two is better, before we feel we have enough time to do it right. We dashed into the shower afterwards and got out before Jack and Kim arrived. Luckily they showed up about 1/2 an hour late. Thank goodness for Pagan Standard Time!
They came over to have a Sweetwood BoD meeting. It was good to see them as it has been quite awhile. I haven't seen Jack since the Pagan Pride Day event in mid September. We spent a little time catching up with things and then got to the meeting. While we had the meeting I was able to enter the last few scans of checks etc. that he had emailed me before coming over, and put together the fall financial report, print a copy out for them to take home with them, etc. I was glad to get everything caught up to date. Now I just need to send in the report to CAW central and one more thing is off my list to do.
Copyright © 2001 Kyril Oakwind