Tom was still sick this morning and felt pretty lousy. I called Jack to reconnect after having been gone for so long. We talked for 2 hours about a variety of topics from my relationship with F. and condom compacts to CAW church matters. It was good to spend the time with him, even if it wasn't in person. F. called right afterwards and we talked for 1 1/2 hours. So the entire morning was gone and I felt very talked out. I told Tom that he had to answer the phone the rest of the day as I didn't want to talk to anyone else, unless F. called again, of course. And there were a few other people I would talk to but I really didn't want to do any more phone stuff. I spent the rest of the afternoon doing email, and working on the webzine, Dragon's Breath, but I haven't received all the officers' reports yet, or the God/Goddes of the month article. And no nest reports. Doesn't look like there will be much in it as I am not in the mood to write it all.
I have been rethinking what I want to do here with my nest and CAW locally. My focus has changed since I met F. I will be spending as much time in Los Angeles visiting him as I can arrange (and pay for) and that leaves me very much less committed here. I haven't been getting my needs met in my nest for some time and it isn't really anyone's fault. We talked in the spring about the changes that I was looking for to make our ritual more meaningful to me, but we haven't done anything about working it out, so we have not been doing our old style ritual and not developing a new style, which has left me feeling even less satisfied with it than I was before. And now I don't know if there is a point to doing it at all. My path is taking me in a different direction and I don't really know where that will be or what will happen.
I think I am somewhat burned out on trying to bring things together here. We used to have a fair number of people who would come out to our events but things in the nest went through some changes, people leaving, people joining, different ways of doing things, and we lost most of the people who used to come. We have never really recovered from that. And I find that I just don't have the energy to really make an effort to let people know what we are doing out here, especially since it doesn't even feed me spiritually.
So where do I go from here with my life, my spirituality, my relationships? I don't know but I am certainly experiencing the cauldron of change and transformation.
Copyright © 2001 Kyril Oakwind