I seem to be very contemplative this morning about where my life is headed, what I am like, why I am so other-oriented. Since I have been back, I just can't seem to get into the swing of things. The only day I was really active was the day we had the Dearinth Work Party. I have only exercised like two days, and I always feel much, much better when I am exercising on a regular basis. The problem for me is that I am very much a relationship/partner-connected person and Tom isn't in to any of the activity/exercise thing. I always have to push past my own needs for having my partner doing these things with me so we can help keep each other motivated, before I can get back into doing them, and with my irregular schedule now I am off again before that happens.
I have been thinking about doing some readings on life, the universe, and everything. Maybe it is the proximity of Samhain that is causing this look into my inner world. Or maybe it is really time to head off in a different direction and I am being called to determine exactly what that might be.
As I was looking at one of the piles on the floor in my bedroom I realized there were two boxes of tarot cards I had never used before. A friend had given them to me a year or so ago because she didn't want them anymore. I picked up the one called the Spiral Tarot. After putting it through the smoke of a charged candle and using my sistrum to purify and cleanse it I spent some time shuffling it to put my energies into it. Then I did a general reading on my current situation - my relationship with F., the changes my marriage is undergoing, my need for a job and ideas about trying to do an astrology business again, and my nest.
I laid 12 cards in a modified Celtic Cross. The situation card was the 9 of Cups, which in this deck is a woman sitting on cloud nine. It is really pretty funny and so incredibly accurate. I am on cloud nine, head over heels in love, and my new relationship is triggering a lot of changes in the rest of my life.
The next position is something either helping or hindering the basic situation. That was the Queen of Cups. This is a card of looking into the self, being focused on an emotional, creative, or psychic goal. My thought is that I need to narrow down my focus, to choose but I am finding it quite difficult to do that in the diffuse pleasures of cloud nine. The foundation of the situation is the Ace of Swords. The impetus of the question was my need to cut away that-which-is-outworn, to let go those things in my life that have reached an end or gone on too long. I asked what I needed to cut out of my life and got the Hermit card. I got the impression that it was time to stop going it alone in some ways but I didn't feel that I have been doing that. Lately it has been brought to my attention that my power comes from being in relationship with someone who makes that kind of connection in return with me - a priest to my priestess. So perhaps this is referring to that idea.
Just passing is the influence of the Chariot, of control and self-discipline. I don't really see myself as being that focused on will though. So I am not sure what this is referring to.
The best that can happen in the situation is the Strength card. This is a card that has often come up in my readings and that I resonate with. It represents the loving control of instinct, love as the source of one's spiritual/emotional strength. That seems like a very good thing to work towards.
What will happen in the near future is the 4 of cups. This deck has a woman sitting down staring in a bored fashion at 3 cups while not yet seeing a 4th cup floating above. The feeling that I get from this is being bored with the choices in my life and having something new and as yet not explored being offered. Whether that other cup is just more of the same or something special is not yet known. Of course, it could also represent the three relationships in my life - so is there a fourth coming up? :)
The position representing how I am in this situation had the 5 of pentacles. It represents poverty of some kind. On a physical level we are having money difficulties and I am worrying about needing to get a job. But on another level it represents self-esteem and self-worth issues. And I can see that this applies to my getting a job as I don't really feel very secure in my saleable skills or ability to get and keep a job. And there are some other areas in my life where I tend to be self-deprecating. This has recently been brought to my attention as something that I should stop but that is not an easy change to make.
The Knight of Cups was in the position of an outside influence on the situation. And this certainly seems to fit my new relationship and the man who represents love in my life.
In the position of my inner emotions about the situation is the 10 of pentacles. I guess this represents my drive towards extended family, my need for those connections and sense of being part of something greater than myself, contributing to its growth and maintenance. I found this a little ambiguous though since it could apply to various aspects of my life without really pointing to any one in particular.
I laid three cards for the result of this reading and got 2 of wands, 6 of swords, and the King of Pentacles. The two of wands represents the balancing of energies and the beginning a new enterprise while the 6 of swords indicates the harmonizing of air, moving away from turbulence and towards peace through a spiritual journey. The King of Pentacles would seem to suggest stability and material control at some level. I can hope it indicates an improvement in our financial situation. I also put three cards for each of 4 aspects of my current situation: my nest, my two relationships, F. and Tom, and getting a job. For the nest situation I got the Knight of Swords, World, and 5 of wands, which seems to suggest a disrupting influence, infighting or struggle, and a cycle coming to an end or reaching a completion. I don't know if this is suggesting ending or change though. My relationship situation was 2 of cups, Justice, and the 8 of wands for F. and the Fool, 4 of wands, and Princess of Pentacles for Tom. This seemed to me to indicate a growing love and exchange, an openness and balance, and moving rapidly in a new direction as aspects of my relationship with F. and beginning a new journey with trust and optimism, a ceremony of joining together on a new path/new life, and new growth and stability with Tom. For the job aspect I got the 9 of pentacles, ace of cups, and ace of pentacles. This seems pretty good though I don't feel that way about it at the moment. The 9 of pentacles is enjoying the fruits of one's labor. The ace of cups is a new emotion, new love. And the ace of pentacle is new growth or stability, or a new position. It all sounds good but I don't really see that in my life at the moment. I always have problems reading for myself as I find it hard not to overemphasize both the negatives and the positives.
Copyright © 2001 Kyril Oakwind