As Samhain approaches I find myself looking back at this last year and the many things that I have learned about myself and still am learning and once again I am questioning being clergy. The kinds of things that I have seen on the lists from Oberon about what he sees clergy as doing, and the things that Aeona has discussed with me about the role and skills of clergy, seem to me to point to a different approach and different type of person than I am or want to be. And I am learning things about myself that make me wonder how I can fulfill that role.
It seems to me that the role of clergy in CAW requires a mix of organizer (something I have done for years and years and years, and am beginning to feel burned out on), priestess who moves between the worlds (something I am doing more and more of, which leaves me less able to deal with the organizing aspect), and charismatic performer (something that I have never been comfortable with). Leading ritual is something different for me and has more to do with being able to connect with the Gods and the other planes, and to move into that space where I have visions/voices/sensations of Other, of Gods, of something beyond. To me it is about being real - not about performing. This is not to dis those really gifted performers who are able to bring their theatrical talents to supporting their roles in ritual. What they do is bring their Gods given talents in the acting/theatre/creating-energy-responses-in-others areas back to gift their community in ritual with very special experiences.
I suppose I have a more cloistered view of Priestesshood, in some ways. The image I have is of being able to do private ritual to the Gods on a regular basis, time for meditation, energy work, etc. on a daily basis with perhaps an entire morning or several hours devoted to it every day, and also time with community. Ritual at the sabbat times, full moons, new moons etc. with members of community for the purposes of celebration and magick as a regular feature of practice. It might also include individualized training or classes as well. But in this time period I certainly don't have the financial support to allow me to do that. And I don't have the skills to create that kind of financial support. Actually I take that back. I probably do have the skills but not the interest and desire - that is oriented towards ritual, and the other realms rather than the financial ones. Hmmm, I wonder if I actually tried to live that kind of life whether the support would materialize or not? I will have to think about ways that I could do that.
My period has started again today. It is really annoying never really knowing what it is going to be like. Perimenopause is not really that difficult, at least for me so far, but I don't like the irregularity of cycle length, flow, and hormonal balance that is occurring. In the last 5-6 months I had a 45 day long cycle, followed by an 18 day cycle, followed by a 52 day one (which is more like skipping one), followed by an 18 day one and now a 20 day one. And since one counts the cycle from the beginning of bleeding until beginning of bleeding there isn't much time when I am not bleeding when I have an 18 day cycle. I am about ready to see if I can get birth control pills to create some kind of regularity. I am not sure what affect it has on my moods, either. In the midst of one I don't notice the connection and when it is over I forget. I do tend to be more philosophical though and start looking within more during my menses.
I started another juice fast today and seem to be hungrier than the test fast or the visionquest fast. I don't know if that is because of my period, the fall season of storing up fat, being mildly sick, or dietary changes between my CA trip and my home base. More likely it is random and my attempt to assign meaning to it is more my current mood than anything else.
Copyright © 2001 Kyril Oakwind