I woke up before F. was due back from work but didn't want to get out of bed. After a bit the phone rang and I didn't answer it. I always feel a little funny about answering the phone in someone else's house. It rang a second time though so I answered it and it was F. He had to stay late at work and wouldn't be home for several hours. So I got up and made myself tea. I didn't know what to do about food so just had some of the Thai noodles that we had brought home with us as leftovers. I will probably have some of that tomorrow too as we haven't made it to the food store yet and F. didn't have time to stock up before I came.
When he got home I was working on my laptop. We haven't gotten it connected to the internet through his cable modem yet though. I set it aside to cuddle with him though. He needed to sleep rather badly. While he slept R. suggested that I could put my computer in her room and work on it there. I felt better about that. F. said that I wouldn't disturb him if I was on the computer next to him but I wanted to let him get some good sleep. As it turned out though I don't think he got much sleep today at all.
R. invited me out to a Japanese restaurant, her treat. And F. needed to pay his phone bill - it was overdue. So he woke up and came out with us. At the restaurant I ordered the sashimi dinner plate. But when I went to eat it my hands were shaking from the tendonitis. I didn't have the nerve to try and eat with the chopsticks when my left hand in particular was shaking so much. I felt distressed. I don't like the out of control feeling that I get when my body is doing that. And I felt awkward about it as I didn't want to cause any problems for them. But they both dealt with it easily in a way that made me quite comfortable.
R. took my hand and said that it was my heart, that there was a lot of sadness, and that I had a hard time receiving, instead of giving. It was an interesting observation and one I am not sure of yet. But I did think that maybe the sadness was related to the break up with my HPS and HP 10 years ago as I had been thinking about it a lot lately. I know that it affected how I feel about forming new relationships. There is a part of me that is afraid to trust again because it hurt so much when our relationship ended. If a 20 yr friendship could blow up the way that one did, I find it hard to believe that new ones can possibly last long enough to be real friendships. Perhaps the receiving is more about not being able to open up to others enough to be comfortable receiving. She said that the energy block was too strong for her to open up then without hurting me so she wouldn't continue but asked F. to. He took my hand and worked on it and it felt hot, my whole forearm felt hot. The shaking stopped too.
The sashimi was quite good and I loved the wasabi. There was more than enough food and I ended up leaving quite a bit and still being full.
We went to pay the phone bill but the payment center was closed and not going to open again. We went back home to get the phone number and R. called them. She went through several layers of hold but managed to get to someone who knew quite quickly. So we headed out again to the next payment center. Apparently they have been closing them and making it harder to have any local contact. The whole concept of service seems to be changing.
When we got back we tried to get me connected through the cable modem but it didn't work. There are probably some settings I need to change but Tom wasn't available to help. So I went to take a nap. F. took a bath and came up later. I heard him go into R's room. I tried to nap but was restless and worried about Tom. I had called him a couple of times and he still wasn't home from helping Corey move. Finally I got a hold of him. He had gotten back quite late as Corey wasn't packed. The sofa wouldn't fit in storage so they took it to Goodwill. When I spoke to him he had not had dinner yet and was very drained. F. came down while I was talking. I decided to go back up and try for a nap now that I had gotten ahold of Tom. F. went back up to R's room and invited me into nap there but I felt a little odd about it. I didn't know if she would be comfortable or not so I went to his bed to rest. But I was restless and couldn't settle down. I picked up one of my books but couldn't really concentrate on it so decided to work on my computer but the power supply was in R's room. I debated going in to get it because I didn't want to disturb them, which made me feel quite distressed and I was working up to being really foolishly caught in a dilemma of my own making but finally decided that it was silly to sit there and be uncomfortable about it. They would probably be fine with my doing so and I was the one letting my terminal politeness get the best of me. So I went to get it but F. was awake or woke when I went in and reached out for me. I went to him to kiss him and say that I only came for the cord but he drew me down and into bed with him. He spooned me to him and the restlessness drained out. I relaxed. I find that rather strange that just being with him soothed it all away. Later we made love and it was amazing. I am finding it very difficult though that we are not in a condom compact because I really want to be able to just slip onto him without having to stop and deal with the condom. This isn't something that has been very strong in me with other lovers so I am finding it odd that it matters so much to me with him.
Tonight we watched the premier of Enterprise, the new StarTrek series. It was interesting. There were parts of it I quite liked but I will have to see if the crew grows on me as it were. I like Scott Bakula and the woman who plays the Vulcan science officer has the most interesting shape to her lips. But they killed off a very interesting alien woman. I would have liked it if they could have found a way to add her to the crew.
I am hoping that tomorrow we can get my computer connected so that I can do my email. Since I knew that it should be possible for me to get my mail from here I didn't unsub from any of my lists.
Copyright © 2001 Kyril Oakwind