Sometimes we are called to be an adult. I don’t want to do it. But I am realizing that I will have to do it. I haven’t been lately. I reveled in not having to be the responsible one, not having to make the decisions, not having to plan the schedules. I delighted in being taken care of, in simply being pleased and pleasing, in loving, in great sex. And if I had the choice in all probability I would happily spend much of the next number of years doing it. I have had one incredible ride this year. Emotionally I have been on a kind of roller coaster though with highs and lows. That will teach me to look at my nice even state and think “I never really have the highs anymore. The lows are worth it to have the ecstatic states”. The problem, of course, is that I still believe that. Ecstasy, the emotional state not the drug, is truly addictive.
I have been experiencing and living my own magnificent obsession. My energies have been directed and focused largely in one direction and it has been wonderful. I don’t want to stop being obsessed. But maybe I can’t live in a world where I am obsessed and can’t have the object of my obsession. My obsession is obsessed with someone else who seems to have a different obsession as well. And I don’t see how this can end or proceed into something that will ultimately be good for me as long as I have such an intensity of need that can’t be fulfilled. So I am very much afraid that it might be time for me to be the adult, to put away my toys, not forever but just bring them out to play from time to time. I wish that I could find a way to go on, to balance out being obsessed with everyday life, to somehow keep my magnificent obsession because it is filled with beauty, yet be my typical down-to-earth, practical self the rest of the time or in between somehow.
So now I have the hard work to do, to find a way to be that adult. I have always been a both and person. I started out this entry feeling like I needed to stop it, to give it up because I couldn’t find a way to reconcile it with my future happiness. But I realize that is playing the either or game and I don’t believe in that. So now the hard work does really begin as I try and find a way to honor that belief to keep my most joyous of obsessions and still find a way to keep my roots in the ground.
Copyright © 2001, 2002 Kyril Oakwind