The last two days have been incredibly difficult. F. has been having some intense emotional states dealing with some personal issues. While I am not the cause of them I am still involved in and with them. It has affected me quite a bit making the last two days have painful, depressing, angsting hours for me. Yesterday was the worst for me I think. We were in the middle of intense very intimate sex when he suddenly stops and begins to tell me about the emotional state he is in. I felt like he had dumped his pain into me at a time when I couldn’t defend myself. We certainly got through it and it was in all probability good for him to express it but wow! was it hard on me. And for sometime afterwards I felt helpless and trapped. I love him and I know that he loves me but his other relationship problems are tearing him up inside and giving us some horrifically painful times together. I started to rethink my conclusions from the other day and wondered if I would be better off to get over him. I’m sure it is possible. I almost worked myself up to making the decision. But I talked to F. about it and was able to work it out again so that I am back to my both/and conclusion. Afterwards I felt increased anxiety, a sense of separation anxiety about his going to work that night. I mentioned it to him, feeling pretty silly about it. He decided not to go to work. And it was good to have him home.
We went to the Pacific Dining Car for breakfast, which they start serving at 11 pm. It is a lovely restaurant in a railroad car, wood paneling, stained glass windows and stained glass light covers, stuffed chairs, and elegant service. He had crab benedict and I had portabella scramble, fluffy herbed scrambled eggs served mounded up on a large portabella mushroom cap. Yummy! Both of us were pretty tired though and by the time we got home (after 1 am) I was too tired to do anything but go off to bed.
Today he woke up having some kind of emotional thing going on, which involved muscle twitches and what seemed to be deep dry sobs. I don’t know what specifically triggered it but I held him for a while until he told me not to. Shortly after that he got out of bed and went downstairs. He spent 4+ hours writing a letter to his partner, trying to express what is going on with him and if it is like other such letters he will decide not to send it.
I made tea for us, made us breakfast, did my exercises (using the exercycle that he bought for my use here), and then started working on one of the rooms we are fixing up. He had previously taken all the plaster off the walls and swept it up into two trash barrels. Then he got the bright idea that we should put it in 5 gallon buckets so it could be taken outside to be stored until he finds out where it can be legally dumped. Apparently it isn’t legal to just throw it away. Eventually he will rent a trailer and haul it and other stuff away. So while he wrote I shoveled out the plaster into various containers. When he was finally done writing he helped me take the buckets out of the house. Then he went in and started taking the lath off the walls. I had intended to do some of that this evening after he went to work, trying to get that room done before I leave in less than a week, but the tendons, I think, around my right elbow are hurting when I straighten out my arm so though it irks me no end I am being smart about it. I am also taking three ibuprofen every 3.5 hours.
So now I am wondering what tomorrow will bring. Will he have expressed some of what he needs to so that he will be feeling better and we can enjoy the time that we have left together this trip or will he still be angsting?
Copyright © 2001, 2002 Kyril Oakwind