On Thursday I worked on learning Dreamweaver for about 3 hours but don't feel like I made a lot of progress. We also went through a full file drawer and threw away several bags of paper. It felt very strange as some of the material was old, material fromThe Hidden Path, articles that had been entered, old correspondence about submissions, dingbats, borders copied on paper for layout, etc. It has been 10 years since we worked on it. I guess I haven't looked at the files in all that time. There were a lot of old memories wrapped up in them. We lit a fire in the furnace and burned them. I thought of letting the past go while doing it. But it was good to get so much done
On Friday Tyr was coming so I got up, exercised, took a shower, and did a little filing before we went food shopping. Tyr came in the afternoon. It was good to see him as we haven't seen him for many months. And as usual he came bearing gifts of vhs tapes of things like Enterprise and Smallville. Yay! Then a couple of our nestmates and their grand daughter arrived. We had a nice potluck of spiral cut ham, yam and apple casserole, buns, salad. It was a nice visit but they needed to leave early. We had a good time but missed our other nestie. I ended up going to bed earlier than I expected. During the evening I had several episodes of dizziness. I am hoping that it is just ear/sinus problems.
On Saturday Tyr was still here sleeping on the sofa so when I woke up I just stayed in the bedroom and worked on the computer. I went back to Dreamweaver and worked on trying to set up templates. I am making some progress with understanding it but it is time consuming.
Later F. called and told me that he had slept with a woman that I had asked him not to. He has been involved with her as a friend for some time and over the past year we have had several conversations about it. We had an earlier incident involving her too. We had had a problem and I was in a very upset emotional space and feeling very disconnected from him. I needed him with me to work things out but this woman called and told him she needed his help so he went to help her. He told me he would be back in a few hours, that he knew I was upset but she didn't ask for help easily or often so he wanted to go. He was gone all night as it turned out, moving her into a different apartment but I spent the night crying and upset. I'm sure that incident doesn't help me feel any better about this now.
I don't know what it is about this woman that disturbs me so much but the first time I heard her name I had a sense of something, some feeling of threat or warning. I have not felt this way about other lovers or interests of his and I have felt some jealousy from time to time but nothing I couldn't deal with. He told me that I was important enough to him that he would take my feelings into consideration and so he didn't pursue it with her. It meant a lot to me that he felt that way, that I was that important to him, though I didn't expect it at the time.
But he became more and more interested in sex with her. A month or so ago he told me he was going to sleep with her after all. I was pretty depressed about it. We talked some more and I was able to explain my concerns about bringing her chaotic energy into the family besides my personal feelings about it. He agreed with me about the energetic issue and said he wouldn't sleep with her but he would stay open to their friendship.
It felt like someone hit me in the stomach when he told me that he slept with her Saturday morning. I was shaking and very upset. And I am still feeling very hurt. It seems to me that he was making a statement of how he feels about my position in his life - though I doubt he intended it that way. And I don't feel the same level of trust in him now since he told me he was not going to and then did it anyway. Whatever happens with our relationship now it won't be the same. He believes that I will get over it and it doesn't have to affect our relationship. He doesn't understand or at least he doesn't think there is a problem with his behavior. Instead he feels like I was trying to control him and that just made him more interested in being with her. When he told me that I knew that he understood that he was risking our relationship but it was more important to him to feel that he could do whatever he wanted to do. I guess our relationship wasn't as important to him as I thought. If he had told me that he changed his mind it would have made a huge difference. I would not have liked it at all. I would have still been depressed about him connecting with her that way. But I would have been able to still trust that he will live up to what he tells me. And I don't think I would have had this sense of betrayal either. But he didn't.
I talked with him this morning but didn't feel any better. Later Tom and I went in the hot tub. Then we spent the afternoon watching my drug of choice, TV. He made me mashed potatoes for comfort food.
Copyright © 2001, 2002 Kyril Oakwind