This weekend seems to have slipped by without my getting done anything that I intended to. I hate when that happens as it affects my self-esteem. All my "shoulds" seem to get activated and I start criticizing myself. "I should be accomplishing something. I should be doing something worthwhile"; and all the things about being lazy, and on and on. It isn't pleasant. It is downright depressing, especially the part about being 50 and not being able to stop the tapes - now that is really depressing! Not only can I chastise myself for not working hard enough but I can also get myself for getting myself in that way. Sometimes I think I have a real talent for it.
Yesterday I just didn't feel well. I had been getting better - the cold wasn't bothering me so much, then yesterday I had little energy. I spoke to F. and he was feeling down. His mood affects my mood. I read. I did email. I surfed the web. I watched TV. Ok, one good thing happened - had fun with Tom in the evening.
Today I started out having a great morning. The sun was shining. It had snowed several inches in the night and it was beautiful out. F. called and was in a pretty good mood so we had a very nice conversation. I gave Tom a morning surprise. Jack called and we had a good long conversation. I did some email. Then another friend called and we talked for a long time. I did some more email. And then a friend contacted me on ICQ so we talked for some time. Then it was time to make dinner and the day was mostly over. And I still didn't get anything done all day. I really prefer productive days.
I know that I had an epiphany a few months ago about not doing things for fun, not even knowing what I would like to do for fun but basically I still prefer to get things done. When given a choice between doing something non-productive and fun or doing something productive with another person I am far more likely to choose the productive thing. And I will probably enjoy it. I will probably even consider it fun.
Copyright © 2001, 2002 Kyril Oakwind