F. called me yesterday morning to tell me that his mother had died. I realized then that I already knew it. Wednesday night I had an odd kind of anxiety attack. I didn't get freaked out about it but I did recognize the physical symptoms. But I refused to let myself extrapolate emotionally from the physical sensations. So while I thought about his mom and wondered if it was related (I have had an emotional crisis on each of the days that my grandmothers died before I found out they were dead) I made strong efforts to let it go. I really thought it unlikely anyway as I didn't know her that well, had only met her three or four times over the course of the last 6 mos. In the morning I mentioned it to Tom and that I thought she might have died but how unlikely it was that I would feel it. F. called and Tom answered. He nodded at me while talking and I knew that he was telling me I was right. When F. finally got me on the phone and told me, I was hearing news that I had known all morning. I felt for him though. He told me that he was all right and if he got bad he would call me and talking with me would make him feel better.
I didn't get any work done all day and by evening was feeling pretty odd. I felt disconnected and still do. This has happened before that I felt disconnected from F. but that was related to not hearing from him or something going on between us. I had the sudden thought last night, that I can't feel him. But I didn't think I could feel him before. I mean as much as I like the romantic notion of being aware of him psychically, or feeling what is going on with him, I don't really believe I can do that. Sure I can pick up from him when we talk but then I have voice, tone, and expression to read. There is something indefinable that isn't there now, that was there before. I feel its lack and I don't feel right. I think that he is pulled in emotionally in some way and that whatever it was I was feeling before isn't there now, or at least I can't feel it. And I know there really isn't anything I can do to help him. This is something that he will have to move through in his own time and in his own way.
Starting last Thursday I began working with planetary spirits through their sigils on their day and in their hour. It has been quite interesting. I didn't notice a strong effect from all of them. Monday I did the moon spirit, and baked bread as well as did some house cleaning. It seemed appropriate. On Tuesday, I did Mars and noticed that I felt quite combatative for several hours but no one was home; no one called; no flames online, so I didn't actually fight with anyone. Wednesday, I did Mercury and shortly after R. called and we spent something like an hour and a half on the phone though we have never done that before, and she has not called me to talk before. It was a great conversation and I enjoyed it immensely. Afterwards, I suddenly had the urge to make tea for Tom (he was out giving Corey driving lessons and I try to have tea ready when he gets home). So I bounded up and made the tea. While I was waiting for the tea I finished cleaning off the end table so that it looks much better now. It isn't entirely decluttered but it is at least neat, no dust, and there is bare space on it. Tom drove up just as I was putting the honey in his tea. So I felt that I definitely got a "communication" that he was almost home.
I am feeling the need to get back into more magickal studies and work, something I haven't been doing much of since last summer. There are three months before my clergy challenge ritual and I would like to spend that time meditating, working with dreams, doing trance work, working with the sigils, learning, growing. When I am at F's I have more alone time in some ways than here because he works nights. So I plan on using that time to do some focused magickal work. I am home for two more weeks though and intend to start now. Of course there are plenty of other things I need to get done too. I hope I can have a more productive next couple of weeks than the last few weeks.
Copyright © 2001, 2002 Kyril Oakwind