I was determined to get some things done today so after my exercises I did a load of dishes, vacuumed the carpet (essentially the whole house), and we got ready to go out. Tom and I went out to check out the ritual site by the cauldron and to give it an eye (which I promised I would do during my visionquest, and we had tried once but it didn't adhere to the cauldron so are trying again today). I was a little annoyed with Tom because he put too much water into the cement and it was runny. He poured some off and then we had to wait while it thickened to usable consistency. It turned out to be a good thing for me.
I walked down one of the trails away from the cauldron. At first I felt distant, disconnected from my land to a degree -- partially due to selling the other piece, partially because my heart isn't entirely here anymore, its with F., and I know that if it should become necessary to sell this in order to be in community with him that then I will want to do it. So I don't feel the same commitment to this land as I used to. And it hurt. I felt sad and then a wave of intensity that brought tears to my eyes flowed through me, and I teetered on the verge of really crying. I don't know what I was feeling -- maybe sad, maybe the beauty, maybe the energy of place. I really don't know. I closed my eyes and just stood there listening to the birds in the trees, hearing them as they flew from branch to branch, tree to tree, singing out their call. When I opened my eyes there was a deer not far from me, just coming down a deer trail and passing across the trail I was on. Remaining motionless, I waited. And she looked about and slowly continued. I don't know whether she saw me or not but she never startled at all, just slowly went on her way. I felt like the land was letting me know it was all right.
I headed back to see whether the cement was ready yet but it wasn't so I took Tom down to show him where the deer had been and we continued down the trail. He had brought the digital camera with and wandered away taking pictures of rocks and plants, and things. I spotted a bird with red markings on its wings flitting from tree stump to fallen log and back up to the branches. And it brought my attention to a large patch of mayapples. Now I don't get voices/words/thoughts but in the woods I do get impulses to move in a particular direction, to go and touch something. So I went to the circle of mayapples. There are some superstitions about not stepping into faerie circles, a circle of mushrooms, a ring of greener grass, or a circle of mayapples but they have always seemed quite inviting to me. I went to it and stood in the center. I turned about sunwise looking out at the forest, so alive, so green, so filled with energy and power. And I gave thanks for all the gifts in my life, and spoke a blessing for the Good Folk.
Tom said he was heading back to check the cement so I slowly pulled myself out of there, carefully going back as I had come. But I didn't really want to leave. The cement wasn't ready so I headed down another trail but closer to the cauldron since it was almost ready. I followed my impulses and meandered from boulder to tree, to hollow, and spotted another patch of mayapples. I told myself though, that I couldn't enter every patch of mayapples -- though an errant thought popped up, why not? So instead I decided to follow my impulse to walk a circle that seemed to be there from tree to boulder around in what seemed to be a naturally occurring circle and back to bush, to tree, to trail. But halfway there the mayapples just got more tempting so I left off following the circle and went to the mayapples. After standing at the edge for a bit I realized I had to enter from the opposite side so walked sunwise around to a spot in front of a dead birch that seemed to stand like a sentinel to the NE of the patch. There is a feeling that I get when I stand in the center of these patches that I can't really describe -- kind of otherworldly but not really apart from the world that I am in, as if it is a place where worlds overlap, so I stand not between the worlds but in both worlds.
Tom called to me so I gave thanks again and left as I had entered. Then I went back to complete the circuit that I had begun. I saw jack in the pulpit growing up from the center of a tree stump so signaled to Tom as I thought he might want to take a picture of it. But the battery was dead on the camera. He had used it up taking pictures already. He might have gotten one shot of it though.
We went to put the eye on the cauldron then walked back to the house. I thought I wish that I could just take a day and follow the impulses, meander through the woods with no particular purpose, and show my land to F. On the way Tom decided he wanted to take more pictures so headed up to get the other battery and went out again. I filled the humming bird feeders to put out.
Copyright © 2001, 2002 Kyril Oakwind