I haven't written in my journal the last month and a half or uploaded my entries for months before that. So I decided I would start it up again and upload the current material. I may still go back and code and upload the summer entries periodically so for those who actually have any interest in the ups and downs of Kyril's life you can check back occasionally. I am thinking about adding a notify feature because of the irregularity of my entries. Of course, first I have to go steal the code from someone else's page;)
This month I have been rather contemplative about my goals, my life, my direction. I have known for some 20 years that my vocation was that of Priestess, but what does that really mean to me? It was simple and clear to me as an initiated Gardnerian. I practiced that tradition; I founded and led a coven with my spouse and priest; I trained other Gardnerians and hived off a daughter coven which I am happy to say has thrived and grown through the years until there are also a handful of covens that have hived from her. In that perhaps, I fulfilled the purpose of being a Gardnerian High Priestess. But it has been something like 8 years since I led such a coven and we don't really practice it anymore except occasionally.
This summer I was finally ordained as a Priestess of CAW and it was something that I had agonized over for several years as readers of this journal are most likely well aware. And now that I have it I still am not sure what it means. CAW doesn't really have a deity or deities that one is in service to, specific ritual style, and congregations are very spread out and small. So how does one serve such a church? I am really not sure. Yes, I continue to attend my nest rituals for the most part. I go to several of the larger festivals in the summer to meet with other CAW folks and organize a low-key festival here at home. I would travel more to other nests if the money was available to do so but I can't afford it on my own and the church doesn't have that kind of money. So what does it mean to be a Priestess like this?
I don't feel that I am only a Priestess to this church though. I still feel that it is my calling in general. The deities I am most drawn to and have the most personal relationship with is the Gardnerian ones. I am not sure that I can serve them well in a non-Gardnerian context though. Others that I know have spoken about deities that have essentially chosen them, or that they came to feel was right for them, and the work they do with them. I have worked with a number of deities but we have a distant relationship. I am not sure what it means to be a Priestess in this way.
My fantasy and heart's longing is for the kind of dedicated order that seems to exist only in fantasies like Marion Zimmer Bradley's "Darkover" series. I can't remember what it is called anymore, perhaps just Tower. I should look it up if I am going to refer to it here I suppose (and just did.) While I don't agree with the restrictions on sexuality for her "Keeper" :), the dedication and study, and semi-isolation except for the close-knit group really does appeal to me. Oddly for a child who was brought up Baptist, I used to get strong responses to the movies about nuns and think that would be a good way for me to live. I was drawn even then to the concentration on the sacred, the dedication, and the study. It might have suited me well except for the lack of sexuality of course. Gardnerianism suited me well I think but that part of my life has moved on.
I seem to be going through a period of if not exactly emptiness, not exactly depression, certainly one of questioning and uncertainty, filled with moments of understanding that slip away, and so don't really stand the test of time. This really isn't the dark night of the soul, the black trip to the underworld or the unknown. It is more a journey through grey mist, and foggy days, paths obscured but hinted at but still not really seen. I am not sure what to do with this. I can't make up my mind whether the appropriate approach is to marshal what I know about affirmations, mental change, magick, etc. to strive to see, to make something happen, or whether it is a time for "waiting for fullness", a time of relaxing and holding quiet until I grok it. And so I tend to go back and forth between the approaches not really accomplishing very much since each approach requires time to develop and show results. But my Libran Moon just can't decide.
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On the mundane side of my life, I took a trip with Jack to Montreal, Canada to attend a conference of the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality. It was a 36 hour car trip all together. We managed to talk most of the way there and back though with an occasional break to listen to music. We broke our journey on the way out by staying with Daniel and Bridget, two lovely people who opened their home to us with wonderful kindness and hospitality. Bridget brought us all tea and breakfast in bed before we left. They have two beds in their bedroom so we were able to spend part of the evening just chatting as we began to drift off and wake up together to share that precious intimate time as we awoke. On the return trip we had a similar experience with another CAW friend. We stayed with M. Of course, that was a delight for me as I just don't see her enough.
The seminars were interesting. I attended a seminar which included a study on the differences between males and females in the perception of length of actual and ideal times of foreplay and intercourse, comparison of the mental distress rates (as measured by a specific questionnaire) of practioners of BDSM (the data will eventually be posted at American Fetish), specifically those in D/s relationships and other groups like the unemployed, groups of employees in several fields, etc., research on transgendered female to male post-op subjects, a case history of a male to female and back again, and several others.
The hotel was very nice. But I was so busy that I didn't really have an opportunity to use any of the amenities. I did realize, however, that I should bring a swimming suit in the future so I can use the hottub. The food was very good and I enjoyed one dinner of grilled salmon so tender it practically melted in my mouth, little new potatoes, and mixed vegetables of sliced carrots, squash, and something else that I have now forgotten, along with that though, I had the salad and dessert buffet. I had a custard-filled pastry with slices of strawberry and kiwi on top. Yum!
When I returned home though I had a very unusual, at least to me, physical ailment, my bottom and privates, were and are, still numb. I went to a Dr. and he suggested that it was due to my exercycle use. Apparently it is not too unusual to experience compression neuropathy in that area. It should recover but in the meantime it is not fun. Numbness is not absence of sensation but a definite weird sensation in itself. And I do not find it pleasant. It has put a real crimp in my love life and I am somewhat depressed about it.
Copyright © 2001, 2002 Kyril Oakwind